Apr 28, 2006 4 min read

In this episode of “Gilligan’s Island,” millionaire Thurston Howell III has announced the closing of the croquet court he had built on the island, much to the surprise and dismay of the other castaways. Gilligan: “Gee, Mr. Howell, we thought you were going to operate the croquet court as a tourist attraction. You said that it’d be ‘big’ … and that word of it would spread around the world … and that ultimately we’d all be rescued. But now that you’ve pulled the plug, Mr. Howell, that’ll probably never happen.”

Mr. Howell: “Sure, I put a lot of money and planning into the croquet court – after all, croquet is a favorite hobby of mine, and I eventually planned to imported some of the world’s best players – but this was purely a business decision.”

Gilligan: “By who, Mr. Howell?”

Mr. Howell: “Mrs. Howell. She’s been going over the books, and it seems like the croquet court was just sucking up too much money. It’s not like our money grows on trees, like the pineapples on this tropical island.”

Skipper: “That’s little comfort to us, Mr. Howell. I mean, you convinced us all to get behind the croquet court and support it wholeheartedly. We did that because we believed in you. Heck, we even elected you mayor of the island because we thought you were the guy who was going to make things happen around here. I’m feeling kind of betrayed right now.”

Professor: “Me, too, Skipper. I put a lot of my other projects on hold in order to work on the croquet court. Plus, I, too, voted for Mr. Howell for mayor. Had I known this was going to happen, I’d have voted for the chimpanzee.”

Mary Ann: “And what about the money we borrowed from the natives to build the new marina, which was going to accommodate all the tourists to came to see the croquet tournament? We’re still going to have to pay them back for that.”

Mr. Howell: “Well, I did open a ‘Banana Republic’ store at the waterfront. It created jobs for you and Ginger, didn’t it?”

Ginger: “But Mr. Howell, none of us shop at your ‘Banana Republic.’ For starters, we don’t have any money, so we can’t afford it. Secondly, even if we did have some money, most of the stuff is out of our price range. Maybe the tourists would have overpaid for a T-shirt, but we wouldn’t.”

Mr. Howell: “That negative attitude is precisely why there’s no economic development on this island. You people need to get behind the guy who is trying to get something done, or nothing will ever change.”

Gilligan: “But Mr. Howell, we all did get behind you, 110 percent. We backed you on the croquet court project, and we lobbied the natives to acquire a right-of-way for the marina, and the Skipper and me, we agreed to let you take over our hut to open the ‘Banana Republic.’ What more could we have done?”

Mr. Howell: “Like I said, Gilligan, it was a business decision by Mrs. Howell. There’s really nothing I could have done.”

Gilligan: “Even as mayor, Mr. Howell? I mean, couldn’t you have declared an emergency or something?”

Mr. Howell: “Now, Gilligan, old chap … you’re just not understanding how things work with people who have lots of money. We do what we want, until we get tired of doing it. Then we quit, or we decide to do something else.”

Gilligan: “Like make even more money, Mr. Howell, even if you don’t really need it?”

Mr. Howell: “Yes, Gilligan, it’s sort of like that. Had you gone to Hah-vard, you’d understand. Right, Lovey?”

Mrs. Howell: “Don’t go dragging me into this, Thurston. The board of directors and I want no part of explaining this decision to anybody. Oh, my dahl-ing, if I have to, I think I shall faint!”

Skipper: “Well if you do, don’t count on me splashing any water on your face to wake you up.”

Gilligan: “Me neither, Skipper.”

Mr. Howell: “There, there, boys, let’s settle down. I’ve got a brand new plan …”

Paul Sunyak is editorial page editor of the Herald-Standard. He can be reached at 724-439-7577 or psunyak@heraldstandard.com