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Confront problems in a relationship before entering a marriage commitment

3 min read

Dear Joy, I was happy to read your advice in last week’s column to the young woman who wanted to rush into marriage and not wait. I was impulsive too, and wanted to skip all of the wedding “hoopla.”

Ten years ago, my husband and I got in an argument about wedding planning with both sets of parents. We couldn’t agree on anything, and all we did was fight with them. The final straw was when the priest insisted on a few counseling sessions before he would marry us. My future husband didn’t care about a church wedding, and he certainly didn’t want to go through the “counseling baloney.” He convinced me that it would be “easier and fun” to elope.

Even though I had a gown, and deposits down on the reception hall and caterer, we took off for Vegas. The weekend was a blast, but I felt a little guilty and wrong right from the start. When we returned home, our parents were very disappointed and upset that we rushed into the marriage.

In hindsight I believe I was also disappointed and upset, even though my husband kept reminding me of the money we saved and the hassles we avoided. I believe that the engagement time revealed some relationship problems we shouldn’t have avoided. I should have seen that the counseling wasn’t “baloney.” And, I should have seen the importance of working out our problems with our family in a mature fashion.

The reality is that the fighting didn’t stop. It continued, and we had problems that were a lot bigger than decisions over the color of table napkins or the brand of liquor to serve. We not only fought with our families but also with each other. The more bills and children we had, the more our fighting grew.

I’m not saying all of the fighting was a result of our elopement, since plenty of couples have problems after big and expensive weddings. What I do think though, is that we deliberately ran from counseling sessions. It would have been good for us to have confronted some of our problems at the beginning.

My husband and I recently completed a marriage workshop at our church. We plan to renew our vows in front of our family in October. We have learned a lot. Name Withheld.

Dear Name,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Your letter is a good reminder to confront relationship issues early on, before they fester and grow. Enjoy your October celebration – you deserve it!

Dear Joy,

Please remind your spring brides it is time to send out thank you notes for their gifts! I attended two weddings this past spring, and I still haven’t received a thank you note from either bride. It would be nice to have my gifts acknowledged. Jean

Dear Jean,

I am passing along your message. But you shouldn’t limit it just to “brides,” grooms can pick up a pen, too.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.

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