Intergalactic economy suffers blow”Fayette County, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship EnterpriseZone. Its 35-year mission: To eliminate the county’s longstanding poverty, to seek out new jobs and new employers – to boldly go where no workforce has gone before.”
Captain’s log, star date 9-15-06. We find ourselves under attack from a Klingon vessel and its deadly new weapon, the unemployment ray. All hands are at battle stations. “Crew, I want you to know that no one’s going to raise the unemployment rate on the watch of me, Capt. James T. Smirk. How are we doing, Mr. Talk?”
“I’m afraid not very well, captain. It doesn’t sound logical, given the millions of dollars of government money we’ve spent on the effort, but the Klingons’ ray appears to be succeeding. The latest data shows we’re second-from-last in the galaxy in highest unemployment rate.”
“That … can’t … be … possible, Mr. Talk. Double check your readings.”
“I have, captain. They are correct. We remain among the poorest of the poor. It’s so bad it makes me want to cry – and I’m a Vulcan.”
“This calls for emergency maneuvers. Lt. Nohurra, open up a channel to Harrisburg; I want to talk to the head of the federation. We’ll require more state aid. Mr. Checkdayov, lay in a course for Washington, D.C., warp 10. We’ll need more federal assistance. Mr. Screwyu, get me Scotty in the grantwriting room.
“Scotty here, captain.”
“Mr. Scott, we need more grant money to combat unemployment. Pronto.”
“But captain, I’m giving you all that I can. I’m making funding requests left and right. The fax machine, I don’t think she can take any more!”
“That’s a risk we’ll have to take, Scotty. Crank it up and ship out those faxes. That’s an order. Leave no funding source unturned.”
“Captain?”
“What is it, Lt. Nohurra?”
“I’ve made contact with the head of the federation. He’s on screen.”
“Captain Smirk, I hope this is important, because we were just about to leave for Mars for lunch with some lobbyists from Xenon 15.”
“Sorry for the bother, admiral, but our unemployment rate is rising again. We need some more help from the federation.”
“Normally, I’d say no, because you’ve gotten plenty of help already. But since this is an election year, I’ll see what I can do. Expect a press release from my office momentarily. Over and out.”
“Mr.Checkdayov, why aren’t we moving? I thought I told you ‘warp 10.’ “
“Uh, sorry, captain. I was making plans to attend bingo and to obtain my Galaxy Equivalency Diploma, and I guess I forgot.”
“Forgot? What’s with you, Mr. Checkdayov? Don’t you see we’re in a crisis here? The Klingon unemployment ray is raising our unemployment rate as we speak. Don’t you want to do something about it?”
“With all due respect, not really, captain. The federation already takes care of me. I get free medical, subsidized housing and energy assistance. I’m only here on the bridge 20 hours a month to fulfill a welfare-to-work requirement.”
“I don’t have time for this. Dr. McCoy, what’s wrong with this man?”
“Damned if I know, Jim. I’m a physician, not a workforce motivator!”
“Forget it. I’ve got an unemployment rate to save. Mr. Screwyu, prepare phasers and photon torpedoes for firing. We’ll show those Klingons that we’re not going down without a fight. And Lt. Nohurra, send out a message, all hailing frequencies. Tell every employer in the universe that we’ve got tax-free land. Lots of it.”
“For residential, too, captain?”
“No, not for residential. We want to be aggressive, but fair.”
“Just wanted to make sure, captain. I know that part’s been controversial.”
“Understood. Scotty, how are we coming with those grantwriting faxes?”
“I’m sending them out as fast as I can, captain. If I send them out any faster, I’m afraid she’ll blow!”
“Nice work, Mr. Scott. Steady as she goes …”
Paul Sunyak is editorial page editor of the Herald-Standard. He can be reached at 724-439-7577 or psunyak@herald-standard.com