Feb 11, 2007 3 min read

Dear Joy, My future in-laws have agreed to pay about 80 percent of our wedding budget. My mother is widowed and has a limited income, so we were quite happy they offered to pay so much toward the wedding.

I thought it was great, but now I am beginning to think otherwise. Unfortunately, they are extremely controlling. They feel that since they are paying, they should be in on all of the decisions.

They are really pressing their own personal likes and dislikes on us, and we are losing more and more control each and every day.

As an only child, my fianc? is used to their controlling nature. He did warn me, but I was so eager to have a big wedding I grabbed at their generous offer.

Now, I feel as though I sold out to them.

How can I get control back and make some decisions, without appearing ungrateful? Bride

Dear Bride,

Many parents have their own vision of “the perfect wedding,” and may look for the opportunity to convey their wisdom, creative ideas, and taste to the bridal couple. Sometimes, they may want to re-create their special day or plan the wedding they never had.

Whatever the scenario, the bridal couple must realize that their wedding will spark excitement within the family. Good intentions and advice will come from every direction. The celebration is a family event, and as with every family event, hurt feelings, misunderstanding and tension will arise.

As I have said before, the one who controls the wedding purse strings typically controls the wedding.

Unfortunately, you have discovered that you may run the risk of compromising your wedding dreams if you allow someone else to finance your special day.

If you are in the early stages of wedding planning, you may need to re-examine your desire for your in-laws to contribute such a large percentage to your wedding.

If you don’t like their suggestions and ideas, you may need to contribute more to the wedding budget. When the bridal couple and both families contribute equally, there is typically an equal sense of empowerment and fairness.

Your future relationship with your fianc? and in-laws can be jeopardized if you don’t proceed with both caution and sensitivity. So before you try to take control back, I suggest you look a little closer at the family dynamics.

As the parents of an only-child, his parents may realize this is their only opportunity to participate in this capacity. In addition, many parents have a difficult time giving up their dominant role in the life of their adult child. After all, they have to learn to take a backseat to the new spouse.

The transition can sometimes be painful, sad, and even bittersweet.

Active participation in a wedding celebration can minimize these feelings and make the transition a little easier.

Unfortunately, control issues can remain well into the marriage, so the couple needs to develop and assert their independence early on-but even with this assertion, control issues can remain well into the marriage. The couple’s financial independence, though, can usually minimize, and even eliminate, some of these control issues.

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You may e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.