Jan 21, 2007 4 min read

Dear Joy, I am confused about how formal my second wedding should be. We have a lot of family members that would feel left out if we didn’t include them or invite them to our wedding. Plus, I didn’t have a big first wedding, so I’m thinking of having a more extravagant one this time around. My fiance has not been married before, so his family is eager to have a nice wedding for him.

My fiance would like a “black-tie” wedding. He thinks we should have an evening wedding with lots of candles and champagne with everyone really dressed up. It sounds so classy and romantic. But before we start to plan, could you tell me what is appropriate? Thanks, Sara

Dear Sara,

Second weddings, both large and small, have become quite commonplace. A second-time-around bride is usually just as eager to celebrate her new-found joy with friends and family, as she was the first time.

The approach, though, can be quite different. Some brides choose to forego a large wedding party approach and limit participants to just a maid of honor and best man.

Others, often eliminate the tradition of the father “giving away,” since technically, the bride was already considered to be given away to the first husband.

The tradition of wearing a white bridal gown and veil always implied virginity, but despite this tradition, many second-time brides do choose to wear a traditional bridal ensemble. Some, though, will choose a simple gown with a color accent and eliminate a headpiece.

Second weddings do not always have to be conducted in front of a judge or Justice of the Peace. Even divorced participants can often be married in a house of worship if the couple meets certain denominational and pre-marital guidelines. An early consultation with a religious officiant will clarify restrictions and availability.

The level of formality is determined by the following factors: ceremony and reception site, the menu, the size of the wedding party, number of guests, and the style of wedding garments. Extra details, such as elaborate floral arrangements, a harpist or soloist and fancy wedding favors, also will add to the level of formality.

A “black tie” wedding is considered to be a very formal wedding, and usually requires a big budget. This type of wedding is usually celebrated with 300 or more guests. To accommodate such a large number of guests, the ceremony is typically conducted in a cathedral, and the reception in a large hotel.

The bride is escorted by six to 12 bridesmaids, and is surrounded by elaborate decorations, that include large floral arrangements, candles, greenery and ribbons.

Typically, a candlelight wedding ceremony is conducted after 6 p.m.

Following the ceremony, guests are given a sit-down dinner and are entertained by a band or orchestra.

Male guests are asked to wear “black tie” tuxedos, and female guests are encouraged to wear cocktail or full-length dresses. The wedding party attire is always formal, with the bride in an elaborate gown with cathedral length train, the men in tuxedo tails and the bridesmaids in full length dresses.

Guests who attend “black tie” events are usually given elaborate favors, such as personalized wine bottles, silver picture frames, or monogrammed candy boxes.

A “black tie” event is the ultimate in formality, and is quite elegant. Sometimes, though, the request to have guests don formalwear is not well received. Please be aware, that a formal garment request can place a financial burden on a guest, and may result in a “no show.”

K. Joy Schaeffer is a bridal consultant. You can e-mail her your bridal questions at bridejoy@yahoo.com.