Blades of Glory
The marketing team behind “Blades of Glory” is selling the figure-skating farce as a goofy family comedy. As the crude PG-13 picture unfolds, moms and dads who are sensitive to the content of the movies seen by their children will quickly realize that they’re skating on thin ice in terms of being responsible parents. After the preview screening I attended, one mother complained about how inappropriate much of the material was for her young son.
She certainly had plenty of reasons to vent.
The gross gags in “Blades of Glory,” which stars Will Ferrell (“Old School”) and Jon Heder (“Napoleon Dynamite”) as battling singles skaters, include:
n A scene in which a brother and sister share an open-mouth kiss.
n A scene in which a skating team dressed as Marilyn Monroe and President John F. Kennedy recreate the blonde superstar’s fatal drug overdose, complete with pills being shoved into the woman’s mouth.
n A scene in which Ferrell spends time holding the breasts of a young woman (Jenna Fischer of TV’s “The Office”) as they converse.
n A scene in which Ferrell’s character throws a dirty undergarment he has worn to 21-year-old Olympic silver medalist Sasha Cohen, who squeezes it with joy.
In addition to a single use of a four-letter profanity, there’s countless crotch jokes generated by the tight costumes and outrageous routines that always seem to end with one guy’s hands between the legs of another male.
It’s all about as subtle as a Chippendale’s bump-and-grind move.
Of course, those who relish broad comedies will enjoy some genuine laughs during “Blades of Glory,” which tells the tale of Chazz Michael Michaels (Ferrell), a sex-addicted skater with a short attention span, a love of liquor and a quick temper. Michaels’ fall from grace comes after he trades punches with his chief rival, the mild-mannered Jimmy MacElroy (Heder), and both men are stripped of their medals and banned from ever competing again in the singles category.
A few years later, the down-on-their-luck Michaels and MacElroy learn of a rule-book loophole that allows them to perform in the pairs category, making them the first male/male team in the sport’s history. The guys reluctantly agree to work together, and they find – surprise, surprise – that their clashing styles can be molded into a new skating form.
Under the watchful eye of a veteran coach (Craig T. Nelson of “The Family Stone”), they practice a deadly foreign-based skating routine that’s considered impossible to complete, since it usually results in one of the participants being decapitated during the climactic move. They feel the need for such a killer stunt, since their devious competitors (played by Amy Poehler of TV’s “Saturday Night Live” and Will Arnett of TV’s “Arrested Development”) are known for going for the gold at any cost.
In terms of story and structure, “Blades of Glory” bears some resemblance to the comedy hit “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story” with Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. (Stiller served as producer of “Blades of Glory.”) “Dodgeball” had its share of crotch jokes and gross gags, but seems as mild as a Care Bears cartoon compared to “Glory.”
Heder pretty much gets lost in the shuffle during “Blades of Glory,” and debuting co-directors Will Speck and Josh Gordon, who have spent their careers making commercials, take the throw-everything-at-the-screen-and-see-what-sticks approach. The talented Ferrell keeps the gags coming as his “sex-on-ice” character goes to obnoxious extremes in making moves that he thinks will turn on the ladies.
Parents, however, may be speed skating toward the nearest exits if they’ve brought their young children along.
Postscript: The professional figure skaters making cameo appearances in “Blades of Glory” include Scott Hamilton, Nancy Kerrigan, Brian Boitano, Dorothy Hamill, Peggy Flemming and Sasha Cohen. The film’s skating sequences were choreographed by Sarah Kawahara, a Canadian who has either taught or worked with such skating stars as Hamilton, Hamill, Michelle Kwan, Kristi Yamaguchi, Tai Babilonia, Randy Gardner and Peggy Flemming.
FILM REVIEW
“Blades of Glory”
Grade: B- (for hard-core fans of gross comedies only)
Starring: Will Ferrell, Jon Heder, Jenna Fischer, Craig T. Nelson, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett; screenplay by John Altschuler, Dave Krinsky and brothers Jeff and Craig Cox; co-directed by Will Speck and Josh Gordon.
Running Time: 95 minutes.
Parental Guide: PG-13 rating (strong sexual elements, harsh four-letter profanity, drug references, brief violent image, gross gags).
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