Aug 25, 2008 By Al Owens 4 min read

After much thought, I’ve decided to vote for Alan Keyes for president. Why, you ask? I’m black, he’s black – he gets my vote. It doesn’t matter to me that I keep ruining televisions, throwing heavy objects at the screen at the mere sight of Alan Keyes. He’s black – I’m at one with him.

I had, for some time, supported Barack Obama, until it dawned on me that his mother was white.

I even contacted the board of elections to see if I could only give him half a vote, but they told me that it doesn’t work that way.

So, Keyes is my man.

I would have voted for John McCain (despite his obvious whiteness), but there are those Internet e-mails I keep getting that say he was raised by wolves. I’m not voting for a guy who might, if provoked, howl at some world leader.

And that has nothing whatsoever to do with him being white.

Besides, some of my best friends are white. I just wouldn’t want any of them to become my president.

I have, on occasion, voted for white guys for president. But these are dangerous times, so I’m sticking with my own kind.

Keyes may sound like a loon, but we have one very important thing in common. Neither of us needs suntan lotion.

I now have a better understanding of all of those people I’ve heard about who won’t vote for Obama. Not because he’s black, but because he’s been a closet Muslim all of his life.

Those people have made a decision based on the kinds of e-mails I get every day. The ones that remind me McCain was really living in a commune near San Francisco when he’s always claimed he was a POW.

I’ve even avoided a serious dilemma that would have caused me a lot of headaches, if the situation ever arose.

Let’s suppose the son of Frederik Willem de Klerk, the former white president of South Africa, was really born in the United States.

And let’s suppose, for the sake of this particular dilemma, de Klerk’s son ran for president this year.

Now I’d really have a hard decision to make. Young de Klerk would be, in reality, an African-American. But he’d also be white.

What would I ever do? I’d have to pray that somebody put me on an e-mail list that would reveal he’s been a secret member of the Ku Klux Klan – since before he was born.

Oh, I know these voting decisions don’t always provide easy solutions.

But I’m sticking with the one rule I’ll follow for the rest of my life. From now on, I won’t listen to what candidates have to say. I’ll just make my choices based on which one is black.

Two black candidates? The darkest one gets my vote.

I think everybody should adopt this philosophy. That way, we don’t need debates, campaign commercials, endless ads or pundits who awkwardly try to mask their racial biases.

Pundits, especially those like Fox News’ Sean Hannity, should come right out and do as I do.

“John McCain is white. He’ll make a better president,” Hannity should announce.

Cross dressers, unite. Vote for Hillary anyway.

With Keyes getting my vote, I’m still biting my fingernails about his vice presidential choice. He could actually lose my support, if he chooses somebody other than Colin Powell.

If he does choose Powell, I’m gonna vote twice, and I don’t care what the board of election says.

If you’ve read this far, I’m hoping you realize I don’t believe a word of this. That Alan Keyes won’t get my vote. Nor either would Condy Rice, or any black conservative.

I am troubled, though, because some people do think this way.

Satire is lost on those people. They’ll simply sit there and say, “He’s a racist. But he’s my kind of racist.”

Those just may be the same people who read my recent column about my move to San Francisco and said, “Good riddance.” I’m still here. And I don’t vote for anybody based on their race.

Edward A. Owens of Uniontown is Webmaster of “Red Raider Nation: Where Champions Live.” E-mail him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net