Wine vending machines unveiled
Pennsylvania’s Liquor Control Board has been called a lot of things: Byzantine, outdated and unnecessary, hopelessly bureaucratic, and a slew of others unfit to print in a family newspaper. However, the LCB is hoping to add a new adjective to the list: innovative.
The state agency unveiled the country’s first wine vending machines in two Harrisburg supermarkets a few weeks ago.
The machines are mammoth – picture four drink coolers like you see in a gas station attached to what looks like a combination ATM and arcade game cabinet with three garish flat screens atop the whole thing – and they allow Pennsylvania shoppers to do something that shoppers across the country can do without ever giving it a second thought: buy a bottle of wine along with their groceries.
However, unlike the rest of the Republic, Pennsylvania shoppers are going to have to jump through several hoops in order to pick out a Pinot. This is the LCB, after all.
After selecting your wine on a touch screen, you must swipe your driver’s license and look into a built-in surveillance camera so an LCB employee in Harrisburg can remotely ensure you are who your ID says you are. But you’re not done yet. Next up is a puff in the Breathalyzer to make sure you’re not already too tanked. According to the Philadelphia Inquirer, “If everything checks out, the kiosk door unlocks, a plastic shield rotates and the purchased bottle is revealed.”
Make that your room-temperature bottle. (Hey, I said they looked like those coolers in gas stations; amazingly, they don’t actually keep the wine cold.) Of course, just because you’re dealing with an overblown Coke machine doesn’t mean you don’t get a “personal” touch. After your bottle is dispensed, you get a “thank you” from your LCB employee in Harrisburg, though the audio quality is reported to be somewhere between a 1980s fast-food drive-thru and a tin can on a string.
Initial reports suggest this all takes about 20 seconds – although they probably will be the most Orwellian 20 seconds of your day – but you, Pennsylvania shopper, can now buy wine at a grocery store! (Author’s note: That’s a sarcastic exclamation point.) You even get the pleasure of paying a $1 “convenience fee.” (Because obviously if the LCB wants to improve its image, the best way is probably to imitate Ticketmaster.)
The LCB has taken a process that other states manage with the simple presence of a cashier at the checkout lane and added untold complexity. Instead of stocking wine on grocery store shelves and having an in-store employee verify identity and intoxication, we’re going to use expensive remote video setups, Internet connections, touch screens and Breathalyzers. That makes plenty of sense. (Again, sarcasm.)
I want to give the LCB credit for putting wine in grocery stores, but they seem committed to taking a simple task and making it as un-simple as possible. (If the LCB ran your dentist’s office, they’d probably recommend you brush your teeth via webcam.)
And that’s not to mention the fact that despite this foray into accessibility with wine, if you want beer or liquor, you’re still stuck navigating the least-consumer friendly set-up in the nation. (Nothing like being forced to buy a case of beer if you only want a six-pack or needing to make multiple stops to stock up for a holiday party.)
It’s fitting that during the same week I’m on vacation in North Carolina, a Philadelphia paper reported that the success of the two-store trial run in Harrisburg will likely lead to about 100 other stores receiving kiosks. The silliness of the whole endeavor is inherent in the juxtaposition of easily picking up beer and wine at a Walmart in Kitty Hawk with imagining Pennsylvania shoppers struggling to get a bottle of wine out of lockdown from an overgrown ATM.
After all, there’s nothing like a trip outside the state to remind you how backwards Pennsylvania’s liquor laws are.
Brandon Szuminsky can be reached at bszuminsky@heraldstandard.com.