Mar 26, 2003 4 min read

I like gadgets, especially ones that work. For example, I watched the infomercials about a new garden hose, one that rolls up compactly, is “like firemen use,’ and returns to its flat state when you turn off the water.

I bought one at a local department store, took it home and stuck it in a closet. I didn’t need it exactly. I had a hose in the garage and one out back, although the one out back took up a good bit of room so I figured I’d replace it with the new, svelte model.

A few days into our spring weather I decided to wash my car. Finding the plastic coupling that connects the hose to the spigot broken on the garage hose, I remembered the new one I had in the closet.

“That’s OK,’ I thought, even though the hose in the garage is less than two years old. “Now I can try out the new one.’

Not only did the new hose offer the special features mentioned earlier, accompanying it were about a half-dozen special implements, one designed solely to provide a high-pressure soap spray to wash a car.

I was almost glad the other hose had broken so I could try out the new one. I don’t know about you but one of the more odious things I have dealt with over the years is dragging that rubber or vinyl hose all over the place, watching it kink and thereby shut off the flow of water and then having to uncouple everything to get it to drain so it won’t be so heavy to roll back up.

I took the new hose out of its container. It looked more like a large roll of heavy tape. Curled up like that it took up no more room than a dinner plate.

I unrolled it, hooked it up to the spigot, screwed the spray nozzle on the other end and turned on the water.

At that point, and with any hose, you shouldn’t hear water spraying freely. Especially after a loud splat sound, almost as loud as a water balloon hitting the pavement from 50 feet.

I looked around the corner and saw water jetting out of the hose at a point about 10 feet down its length. I shut the valve and inspected the hose. Yep. The instant I turned the water on it blew. I tried working with it because I really wanted to wash my car, but it kept springing more leaks. When it blew out near the spigot in the garage, I gave up.

Disgusted, I took the mess that was formerly a hose and tried to roll it up. It didn’t want to roll. Instead it turned into a heap, much like a pile of wide, wet noodles.

Naturally I didn’t have the sales slip, although the store where I bought it has a pretty liberal return policy. Only I figured I should let it dry out before taking it back for a refund.

When that is, I don’t know. I left it out in the sun for several days and it still looks (and feels) like a pile of wet noodles.

Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe the hose is really a sponge in disguise. Maybe you are supposed to run water through it to get it wet and then use it to wipe away the dirt and grime.

Or maybe you encircle the car with the hose, turn on the water and it springs enough leaks to automatically dispense the filth?

After all, I have to confess, I didn’t read the instructions before using it. I don’t want to be too hasty before I take it back. I did that once with a stereo/record player. I couldn’t hear music coming from it so I returned it for another of the same model. I couldn’t hear music coming from that one, either, until I learned it had a multi-function feature controlled by the power button.

Yes, that’s probably it. The hose isn’t defective. My brain is. What do you think?

I don’t really want you to answer that.

Have a good day.

Jim Pletcher is the Herald-Standard’s business editor. E-mail: jpletcher@heraldstandard.com.