Handyman works better in solitude
I suppose it could have been “The Cobbler and the Elves,’ in reverse. If you recall, the elves in that tale worked overnight to help a cobbler fill a major order for shoes that he just wasn’t able to do on his own.
What I like most about the fable is the elves cobbled right through the night without fear of disturbing anyone. The old man was too tired to hear their tiny hammers.
There are no elves around my house, unless I look in the mirror. But I like to work the way they do. In other words, when no one is watching and without a deadline.
I’m not big on home projects. If it isn’t broken … well, you know the rest. However, I learned some years ago that when required I can be most productive around the house when my lovely wife isn’t home. Small tasks vanish if she’s gone for a few hours. Larger ones I tackle when she spends a few days at her sister’s home in another state.
For example, during her most recent visit away, I continued installing wainscoting in the dining room (this is a project I began several years ago but have yet to complete), shampooed the living room, dining room and hall carpets, put up a strip of crown molding for her approval or disapproval and bathed the dog. I also mowed the lawn, cleaned up some outdoor debris and put it out for pickup, staked the tomato plants she put in her garden and washed a load of clothes.
All that in less than two days.
What have I done since she returned? Hardly anything.
Now why is that?
I have a couple of theories that others of my gender may find familiar.
I like to work at my own speed, for instance, without some other eyes gazing over my shoulder. That means if I’m watching TV, I might slap up another board or pound another nail during a commercial break. Or, if the program I was getting ready to watch turns out to be a rerun, I may shift gears and start a new project until the repeat is over.
Also, if I make a mistake, I make a mistake. There is no one around to see it and I can later relate it in terms of, “Well, I did make one goof, but it was no big deal.’ That means I successfully managed to patch up whatever it was that I destroyed in my renovation or remodeling (“We really didn’t need that window, did we? I think it looks much better without it.’)
I don’t do home remodeling projects well, a point I have made many times, often vocalizing my deep irritation while working at them. It just seems that even though I measured five times and cut only once, I still get it wrong.
I am not a graceful creature when I work around the house. Like women who refuse to stick their noses out the door unless they are properly lip-glossed and powdered, I don’t want anyone seeing the unkempt me crawling around on pudgy hands and knees covered in sawdust, glue and whatever other material is at hand. Most men want their wives to have a certain image of them and that’s not it.
There are also shortcuts I take that might not sit well, like using the antique washstand as a sawhorse or the dining room table as a layout counter and repository for my tools.
I work well into the wee hours, halting only when I have run out of materials or steam. No one hears my banging hammer, electric saw ripping wood or my incessant mumbling. The dog and cats are intelligent enough to find faraway corners while I work, at least until I take a break or finish the chore.
So, as much as I hate to admit it, I actually look forward to my wife leaving for a few days. Not because I want rid of her. Heavens, no. But I just want to see what I can accomplish.
Oh, and one more thing: I eat very well when she’s not home.
Cake and ice cream for breakfast anyone? After all, a handyman’s got to keep up his strength.
Have a good day.
James Pletcher Jr. is business editor of the Herald-Standard. He can be reached at begin jpletcher@heraldstandard.com jpletcher@heraldstandard.com end
or by calling (724) 439-7571.