Handyman turning in his tools
I’m not much of a carpenter.
Like many of my gender, when I walk through a tool department at one of our local home improvement centers, I slow down, carefully examining the variety of devices, each one aimed at easing a particular chore or task. In my mind, I go over what I could do with this tool or that one, what project I could complete more easily if I owned that saw or drill or compressor. And, normally, I tell myself that even if I had all the tools displayed in the store, any project to which I applied my hand would turn out the same. A disgrace to woodworkers and home handymen everywhere.
Some might chide me, telling me that I’m too hard on myself. That would be shortsighted because I’m probably not critical enough of my lack of ability.
Oh, I enjoy watching the how-to, woodworking and home improvement programs on public television. Masters of construction trades install toilets, wiring, repair doors that don’t close, build bookcases and make it all look so easy.
My favorite is Roy Underhill, who relies on antique hand tools and those he powers with a foot-activated treadmill to make such things as candle boxes, chairs, wheelbarrows, tables, etc. It makes me want to run down to the garage and start sawing on something.
Unfortunately, the times I have given in to that desire, what I produced was less than stellar.
Once, I purchased several nice, flat, pine boards to make some shelving. To give it sturdiness, I decided I would install slats between the shelves. I created a box frame first and then attempted to place the shelves in between. The frame fell apart. The slats fell out. A crack appeared in one board. If I was going for a rustic look, I had achieved it. But I wasn’t.
Then there are the applications that are abstract to me, which I am completely unable to grasp. These include such things as miter joints and coped cuts. Miters are angled cuts that make nice, tight fits in corners and coped cuts are those that follow the contours of the trim so two pieces perfectly pair up.
However, when I try to make a miter or coped cut, I usually do it backwards or upside down, ruining a piece of wood or trim.
For example, the last home improvement chore I tackled was installing some pre-finished, pre-painted, pre-cut wainscoting on two short walls in the bathroom. Sounds easy, huh? All I have to do is measure it and cut out for things like electric receptacles and baseboard heaters.
No cutting was needed on one wall, other than fitting the top and bottom trim to the wainscot. A corner required a coped cut. Searching in vain for my coping saw (I know I have one), I finally gave up and decided to make the cut with a power jig saw.
I was down to my last piece of trim and had already cut it to length. I made the coped cut and surprised myself when the piece fit perfectly. There wasn’t even a gap.
However, it didn’t look quite right. Oh, yes. It was upside down.
I should have left it alone. But faced with having to buy a whole package of trim to match the wainscoting, I decided to just shorten the length, do another coped cut and fill in the gap with a piece of scrap. Hey, it was in a corner. No one would notice.
I did that three more times before finally getting the cut close but not perfect. The gap got wider and wider with each pass of my saw.
Deciding that would be my last home project (like that will ever happen), I finished up, cleaned up and put away my tools.
It’s a shame, because I should have the carpentry gene from my paternal line. My late father built two homes from scratch and helped build a third. He told me his father was a better carpenter than he and that his grandfather could have out-carpentered them both. Dad’s advice to me was to measure many times before sawing through the wood and make careful cuts to ensure they would be straight.
I do that. And it doesn’t work.
So, while I still have 10 fingers (and I’d like to keep them all) I think it’s time to retire. And stop watching how-to shows. And stay out of tool departments in local stores.
Of course if you need something installed upside down and about a foot shorter than it should be, call me. I’m an expert. And I have my own tools. If I can find them.
Have a good day.
James Pletcher Jr. is retired Herald-Standard business editor and can be reached by email at jpletcher@heraldstandard.com or jpletcher@heraldstandard.com.