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One turkey that won’t get pardoned

4 min read

I’m a staunch liberal. I believe that anybody who isn’t one is always wrong.

I take that back. I’d like to apologize for making that statement. I apologize if I offended anybody by it. That’s what you’d call a “non-apology apology.”

“Non-apology apologies” are the current rhetorical devices used by anybody who’s been caught making inflammatory statements that get them into hot water. In fact, “non-apology apologies” have grown so popular that they’ve gotten their own Wikipedia page. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-apology_apology)

“A non-apology apology is a statement that has the form of an apology but does not express the expected contrition. It is common in both politics and public relations,” the lead paragraph says on that page.

There are even published books about how to, or not how to, apologize.

In the book “Effective Apology,” the author, John Kador, writes, “Adding the word ‘if’ or any other modifier to an apology makes it a non-apology.”

So when I wrote that “I apologize if I offended anybody,” by saying that those people who aren’t liberal are always wrong, I was issuing a non-apology apology.

Before I go any further, I don’t truly believe anybody who isn’t a liberal is always wrong. That’s not my point.

Enter Elizabeth Lauten. She’s always wrong. She’d been the communication director for a little known Republican U.S. House member (Stephen Fincher of Frog Jump, Tenn.), until her intemperate comments about President Obama’s daughters on Facebook led her to resign.

All 13-year-old Sasha and 16 year-old Malia did was stand by as their father pardoned a turkey, and Lauten exploded like they’d committed felonies.

“Dear Sasha and Malia, I get you’re both in those awful teen years, but you’re a part of the First Family, try showing a little class,” she wrote.

Implying that the First Daughters are classless wasn’t the worst thing she wrote.

“Then again your mother and father don’t respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter, so I’m guessing you’re coming up a little short in the ‘good role model’ department.”

That STILL wasn’t the worst.

“Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar,” she added.

Well, well, well. Lauten hadn’t gotten the memo about never attacking the children of the president.

Besides, when the children of the last president, Jenna and Barbara Bush, did run afoul of the law in 2001, and after they’d actually been in bars, everybody, rightfully, steered clear of attacking them. They were, after all, being teenagers — not unlike Sasha and Malia.

Lauten crossed the line. The response was immediate. So immediate that she sprang forth with a non-apology apology after deleting the original Facebook post.

“I reacted to an article and quickly judged the two young ladies in a way that I would never have wanted to be judged myself as a teenager,” she wrote.

So far, so good.

“After many hours of prayer, talking to my parents and re-reading my words online, I can see more clearly how hurtful my words were.”

That’s a bit of a stretch. How many times did she have to re-read that before she figured out she’d touched a raw nerve? But here comes the non-apology part.

“I’d like to apologize to all of those who I have hurt or offended with my words ….”

How ’bout if you apologize to the president’s daughters and their parents, period? That didn’t happen. Within days, she resigned.

On the same day she tendered her resignation, there were new facts that surfaced about Elizabeth Lauten. It seems the woman who implied that Sasha and Malia Obama are classless has had a few classless moments in her own life. According to thesmokinggun.com, when she was just 17-years-old, a year older than Malia Obama, she’d been pinched for shoplifting and charged with misdemeanor larceny in her hometown in North Carolina. Then, when she was 19, she was arrested for a traffic violation in Virginia.

I guess I shouldn’t have written about the traffic violation. I’d like to apologize if anybody was offended by that.

Edward A. Owens is a three time Emmy Award winner and 20 year veteran of television news. Email him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net

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