Dec 15, 2016 By David Biagini 4 min read

Everyone is familiar with those god-awful “family newsletters” that in-laws and friends subject us to during the holidays, right?

You know, where you get to learn that little Tommy made the honor roll again, Aunt Sally bowled her first 200-point game, Mike got a big raise and dad is enjoying retirement? For once, I’d like to read an honest, unvarnished newsletter that provides a true account of life, with all of its warts, in the real world. For those who view life through rose-colored glasses, either remove them now or divert your eyes. Meet the Snakebitten family!

Season’s Greetings from Sophie Snakebitten. This year I’d like to update everyone on me, my hubby Tom, our three kids, plus some other characters in our extended family.

Overall, 2016 didn’t turn out as well as our Snakebitten family would have hoped. Here are some high – and low – lights:

The year started sadly when Tom’s mother passed in February. It didn’t help when our four-year-old Judy embarrassed us at the funeral service when she looked around the church, then stood up and said, “How come grandma didn’t come?”

Our Johnny, now 9, failed to make the school basketball team because he missed nine out of 10 free throws at the tryout. Probably his dad’s fault, since his aim in the bathroom is about as bad. At least Johnny is improving in school. We are so proud he won’t have to repeat the fourth grade again.

Speaking of pride, our 16-year-old daughter Nancy is becoming a lovely young lady. She is just starting to date but we are worried that she’s too sweet and naive. She thought one boy would impress us because he was doing a lot of “community service.”

Meanwhile, hubby and I are suffering through our midlife crises. I keep the house so cold for my hot flashes that Tom wears a parka at the dinner table. Tom complains that now that he is finally getting his head together, his body is falling apart. He considers it a victory when he comes back from jogging without pulling something. But we enjoy growing old together because we have built many memories. It’s just getting harder to remember them.

Our cousin Eddie, an obvious juvenile delinquent, got caught by the cops for unplugging those inflatable Santa, Frosty, and Rudolph holiday decorations in several neighbors’ front lawns as a prank. Our neighborhood looks like a deranged Scrooge did a drive-by. Now Eddie has to ring the Salvation Army kettle bell as his punishment. We always thought he needed to join the military so this is a positive start.

Poor Aunt Gladys continues to battle her weight problems. I think those jokes about her going on a diet and hurting America’s farmers are starting to annoy her. We were real proud when she announced that she went on the Weight Watchers diet for six months and only gained five pounds. Again, it’s a start.

Grandpa still is working on his rage issues. His house is almost back to normal after that fire he caused at his 80th birthday party. Next time we won’t upset him by putting all the candles on his cake (it did look like a prairie fire), and we’ll sure remember not to place it near the curtains again. That crafty old son-of-a-gun must have bought himself a new hearing aid, though. We figured it out when he announced at Thanksgiving Dinner that we were all out of his will.

More zingers in the ongoing mother-in-law feud between my mother and Tom: in September, Tom attached a vanity plate to mother’s car that says “My Other Car is a Broom.” Mother got Tom back on Halloween, though.

She walked right up to him and tried to pull his face off.

Since the presidential election, their antics are turning political. Mother, a Hillary supporter, loudly donated to Jill Stein’s recount vote efforts. So Tom, who voted for Trump, bought one of those little red Trump cap Christmas ornaments that was hanging on our tree until it mysteriously disappeared. It’s going to be a tough four years.

So as the saying goes, “Better Luck Next Year!” 2017 can’t arrive soon enough!

David Biagini, a Mon Valley native, owns residences in Pennsylvania and Mississippi and a downtown management firm in New Jersey.