Feb 7, 2022 By Al Owens 4 min read

After serious consultations with my family, I’ve arrived at the following conclusion: This is the formal announcement of my intention to run for the office of governor of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

I truly believe the people of this commonwealth need me and my unique skillset.

While I’ll run as a liberal, I will not run as a Democrat. Nor as a Republican.

I will be running as a member of the Satireian Party.

I already have the much-needed support of my party (financially, and morally).

I’ve formed a campaign committee comprised of experienced political campaign veterans.

We’ve developed a campaign strategy that, if successful, will bring about positive results for every Pennsylvanian.

It is a simple plan.

HERE IT IS!

I will put an absolute end to robocalls in the state of Pennsylvania.

FULL STOP!

I have employed a group of technological masterminds who assure me that they are in possession of the solution to the ever-growing problem of robocalling telemarketers.

The method and means employed to break the backs of those money-grubbing, annoying, unsolicited, fast-talking scoundrels have been tried and successful in other parts of the world. Just not yet in Pennsylvania.

We have the key.

For the price of a vote for governor, you can help put a stop to them right here – right now.

No more “Card Services” calls; bogus car warranty calls; phony utility bill calls; or fake Microsoft help desk calls – all with accents of men who sound suspiciously like the inhabitants of India.

(Not really that suspicious – that’s where most of them are from.)

I’ll put a stop to every single one of them.

You won’t have to bother putting your name on any of those “Do Not Call” lists that don’t seem to work anymore, anyway.

No lists. But no robocalls, either.

I do have one caveat. That is, the head of my “Anti-Robocall Unit” must be a white male.

I know you might think that a Black female might be better-suited for the job.

But a white male is my choice.

I expect some people to angrily balk at my selection.

I do know there’s never been a single white male, out of the 7,000 department heads in state history.

So, I’ll go ahead and appoint one. (I’m not that good with facts. So go with me on this one.)

People can think of it as being like ladies’ nights at bars.

Face it, no males (Black, white, Hispanic, Asian, or none of the above) ever complained about those.

It’ll take just a little effort to make things fair and equitable.

So, I want my pick for the complete abolition of the robocall to be a white male.

There’s never been an Anti-Robocall Unit, so I can’t imagine a Black, white, Hispanic, Asian, or none of the above, all bent out of shape – claiming a white male isn’t qualified for the job.

Nobody is.

It’s brand new.

Give him a chance.

He’ll be my Jackie Robinson of the Anti-Robocall Unit.

I’m sure there will be lawsuits.

I don’t mind.

My newly appointed Black female assistant attorney general will handle those.

She’s exceptionally qualified for that job.

I’m pretty sure you’ll agree with me on that.

Let’s face it, getting rid of scammers will be a tall task.

They seem to be everywhere these days.

On your telephone. In your email. In your mailbox.

I’m going all-in on ridding them of our lives.

All I need is just one white male.

STRIKE THAT!

All WE need is one white male.

We can all be fortunate to have somebody who can ensure that our evenings will be scammer-free.

There’s an estimate that there were an average of 159 robocalls a day in the United States in 2021.

(It felt like I got 158 million of them myself.)

That’s why I’m thinking we could all need a break.

Don’t you agree?

Just put your faith and your vote behind me – Al Owens – at the ballot box.

Edward A. Owens is a multi-Emmy Award winner, former reporter, and anchor for Entertainment Tonight, and 40-year TV news and newspaper veteran. E-mail him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net.