My name is COVID-19, and I’d like to kill you.
Today, though, I’ve come to give you a little advice.
I’ve heard some of you don’t want to get vaccinated because you believe in “personal freedoms,” and some balderdash about that U.S. Constitution.
I’ve never read your Constitution, so I’ll take your word for it.
I’ll just add, though, that I don’t give a damn about your “personal freedoms” or your Constitution.
But, you’re still my kinda folks.
By the way, if you don’t listen to the nonsense coming from medical scientists in general and the CDC in particular, we’ll get along famously.
Those folks are forever making it difficult for me to do my job.
That Dr. Fauci fellow has a lot of nerve with his suggestions about that stuff they call “social distancing.”
I love it when people pack into tight spaces and share the same stale air.
There’s nothing like jumping down the throats of people who refuse to wear masks. Besides, ventilators look so much better than those stupid masks, anyway.
Being that I’m COVID-19, I do have one suggestion about where you can learn a lot about me – Fox News.
Some of those “experts” are extremely well-versed in pandemic etiquette.
They know you should never allow your school-aged children to ever wear masks.
With those things on their faces, I don’t have a chance.
That’s just not fair.
Keep in mind, children are safe from me. I like kids. They’re fun to play with.
The younger the better.
Something is energizing about seeing a 6-year-old on a ventilator.
Vaccinated small fry need not apply.
I’ve learned that some of you express frustrations because you think the government is planning on sending people door-to-door, trying to get you to take those awful vaccination shots.
Well, I’m not bragging, but I go door-to-door, too. And I usually do it without having to knock. I’m sneaky but oh-so effective.
I perform that particular function whenever I can.
I’m hearing those vaccines aren’t as good as people have been told they are.
I’d avoid them at all costs.
And if you feel you must get vaccinated, wait until they’re completely certified by Fox News.
There’s a lot of talk about people getting bad reactions for most of those vaccines.
If you hold out on getting them and wait for me, I can show you some very, very bad reactions.
I’ll leave that choice up to you.
I’ll just remind you – I’M COVID-19. You can always count on me.
I don’t quite understand the mentality of those millions of people who’ve been avoiding me since I first started infecting the world back in 2019.
Why should you trust the government to involve itself in COVID-19 Avoidance?
Always beware of any government that would like to shove so-called cures down your throat – when I can jump down your throat without you having to roll up your sleeve and feel those ridiculous pinches.
Stand up against government overreach.
My reach is far more inviting.
I’ve overheard some people say they “just haven’t gotten around to getting their shots.”
I have a special place in my heart for you.
You should hold out as long as you can because they tell me those shots can get your arm really, really sore.
You wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?
My pain is swift and complete.
With any luck, you’ll get an opportunity to enjoy a little relaxation in one of those crowded intensive care units, while your next of kin make your elaborate funeral arrangements.
Some people tend to believe I’m getting weaker. That the more people vaccinated, the less effective I become.
That’s true – but only to an extent.
I need your help to keep me strong.
That means I need you to take off those grotesque masks, and head for the nearest mass meeting.
You should express all of your pent-up “personal freedoms” before they cart you off to the emergency room.
I’m COVID-19, and I approve this message.
Edward A. Owens is a multi-Emmy Award winner, former reporter, and anchor for Entertainment Tonight, and 40-year TV news and newspaper veteran. E-mail him at email@example.com.