How to spice up a resume
Half-truths, untruths, total fabrications. No, it isn’t another presidential campaign year. There’s a new type of fiction-writing sweeping America and you won’t be able to find it on the New York Times’ best seller list.
This new brand of creative thinking is showing up in college athletic directors’ offices throughout the country in the form of a resume. Yes, it seems men and women feel they need to make themselves more appealing than they actually are in an attempt to secure employment.
A veteran resume writer myself, I like to offer my suggestions and some hints so those who are seeking collegiate athletic and coaching positions are able to avoid public scorn and humiliation.
PERSONAL DATA – It’s rather difficult to make up a name these days since our identity has been boiled down to a nine-digit number. Pretty soon those in charge will give newborns a bar code as was done in the series “Dark Angel.”
Here’s my idea to enhance your personal background, especially if you’re fortunate enough to have a “famous name.” For example, let’s say your last name happens to be Murtaugh and you’re looking for a baseball/softball position. The interviewers don’t know of your personal lineage so discreetly put the notion out there of your “bloodline.”
What are they going to do, check your DNA?
CAREER OBJECTIVE – Most overrated portion of a resume – if you ask me – because no one actually writes the truth. Let’s face it, there’s really only two plausible responses for this category. The way I see it there’s option A (“I want to build a career to make lots of money and be financially secure”) or option B (“I want to better myself in order to help humanity”).
In the case of those men and women who have applied for work at universities or other athletic institutions, I would suggest “I want to use the XYZ University assistant basketball coaching position as a springboard to a better paying, more powerful head coaching job.”
EMPLOYMENT BACKGROUND – Here’s the big problem for those, eh, fabricators, um, stretchers of the truth, er, creative thinking, yeah, that’s it, individuals of recent months.
Coaches should use an obscure municipality when starting their career. Brownsville, Berlin, Pittsburg(h), Washington and even Dunbar are all realistic possibilities because of the wide selections possible. Hey, was it Berlin in Somerset County or Berlin, Germany?
(Use of foreign references can be a bonus, especially those nations that no longer have normal diplomatic relations with the United States. You’ll have the State Department on your side here.)
I’d suggest starting low and working your way up the athletic ladder. Unless you managed to take nepotism to a new high, few interviewers will believe you began your career at a middle- or upper-level position.
Think small, then grow as you grow older. The older you become, the less likely a background check into the “early days” will occur.
Be careful of noting titles or awards won. The Internet makes research into this entirely too easy!
ACADEMIC BACKGROUND – If you’re going to stretch the truth here, make it a whopper. No one in their right mind would “make up” they graduated from Harvard or Stanford. Don’t be “too” educated. That mistake has been made too often in recent months.
Make the education applicable to the job sought. Education and coaching often go together, or, in the case of some schools, business management or human resource management might be applicable for work in financial aid or student services.
(I have no idea how these people pull this one off. I spend like $15 a crack when I apply for a job and have to track down my transcripts. Seems the bigger the high school, college, or university, the less they must rely on “actual” transcripts.)
REFERENCES – Two words – deceased people. There’s no way to check up on this one unless John Edward (of “Crossing Over” television fame) is on the payroll.
I would again suggest going big. Why not use George Steinbrenner for a baseball job? How about Dick Cheyney for an administration position? Come on folks, think big! Forget about the assistant manager at McDonald’s!
How do you go about finding openings? Easy, just check the “Transactions” section on C2. If you did so over the weekend, for example, you would have discovered that the University of Richmond has an opening for an assistant men’s basketball coach because Mike Wilson wasn’t exactly honest on his job application and was fired.
Good luck with the job hunting (and a safe and enjoyable Fourth of July to all)!