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Grown men acting like kids

By Jim Downey jdowney@heraldstandard.Com 5 min read
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Television networks like crossovers to showcase both shows and perhaps draw in a new audience to either program.

Now, I’m no producer mind you, but I’d like to suggest the National Football League and Dr. Phil (McGraw) have a crossover show (or week of shows). Since CBS is the home network to the AFC, it is a perfect match.

I envision one of the segments as follows:

(wild applause) Dr. Phil: Today’s show is about a relationship that went sour. Here to tell their stories are LeGarrette Blount, Marshawn Lynch and Ahmad Brooks. They will speak freely now, and after the break we will bring out the team owners and head coaches for their point of view.

Dr. Phil: So Ahmad, what’s the problem?

Brooks: Man, Dr. Phil, you played football … you know how it is. Aldon Smith gets 9 games for drunk driving again and gun charges after missing 5 games last year when he left for substance abuse … he gets put on the roster Saturday and it’s like the prodigal son returned, man.

Dr. Phil: So, that’s reason enough to pull yourself off the field. Don’t you see that to be a bit childish?

Brooks: It is what it is man. That’s all I got to say.

Dr. Phil (jeering applause): Ok, let’s move on. Marshawn? What’s going on? Too fatigued to make it to the locker room at halftime?

Lynch: They don’t want me around the locker room, anyway. All I do is gain big chunks of yards. I’m the darling of fantasy football owners, but (Carroll) don’t want me around.

Dr. Phil: Maybe your agent should’ve included that the team should transport you back and forth from the dressing room on one of the medical carts. (audience laughs)

Dr. Phil: It’s time to take a break and catch our breath. When we return from break, I’ll talk to LeGarrette (cue video of preseason arrest and tape of 50-yard run against Carolina)

Dr. Phil: We’re back … LeGarrette, not playing nice with others. (laughter) Guess you couldn’t take the ball and go home so you did the next best thing by dressing early and leaving for the bus?

LeGarrette: I tried to take the quarterback with me, but Grad (Bruce Gradkowski) wouldn’t go.

Dr. Phil: Isn’t the starting QB Big Ben? So, you tried to hijack the back-up quarterback to support your childish actions?

LeGarrette: (scowls)

Dr. Phil: LeGarrette, I want to make sure our audience understands the situation. Your team, the Steelers, has shown the inability to beat downtrodden teams this season with losses to the Buccaneers and Jets, and was on the ropes against the Titans. Then, miraculously, the running game with Le’Veon Bell heats up and offensive coordinator Todd Haley, not necessarily the fans’ favorite, decides to ride that horse until the end of the game. 204 yards? Feelings hurt?

LeGarrette: Man, I get paid to tote the ball. Can’t do that wearing a poncho on the sidelines. And, they took me off kickoff returns and put Marcus Wheaton back there. Sure, he’s got speed, but, come on man!

Dr. Phil: LeGarrette, I’m guessing you stayed long enough to see the Steelers win 27-24? You sure this isn’t about you? Let’s see … punching an opposing player at Boise State when you were at Oregon … upset when the Bucs drafted Doug Martin, thinking they disrespected you by trying to upgrade the position … four NFL teams in 5 seasons … I’m guessing you’re not going to be invited to many alumni events?

Dr. Phil: Then there’s that situation in the preseason with Bell and marijuana. … Come on LeGarrette, what’s the problem?

Dr. Phil: Let’s take a break to allow Marshawn to catch his breath. More with LeGarrette when we return.

Dr. Phil: LeGarrette? LeGarrette? (voice from off stage … “Dr. Phil, LeGarrette left during the commercial break.”) Maybe it’s time y’all grow up and act like professionals and men. (raucous applause) … All right then, let’s take another break. When we come back, what it’s like to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

(cut to commercial)

I, too, am curious about the direction Todd Haley (or Ben Roethlisberger) takes the offense at times, but, geez, the offensive line came to play in the final 25 minutes and Bell, what patience that young man has, hit the holes they provided. When’s the last time the Steeler offense secured a win with two touchdown drives and a clock-killing drive at the end of the game to preserve the victory?

I think the more telling move is taking Blount off the kick return team. Maybe the Steelers coaching staff knew something already?

Whatever happened, the Steelers are now 7-4 (sorry ESPN graphics guy, not 6-4) and ½-game from first place with two games against the Cincinnati Bengals (6-3-1). A chance in December? That’s what it’s all about.

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