Elves can be devilish
Elves are mystical, diminutive humanlike creatures, who oftentimes have mystical powers.
Elves have a prominent, mythical place in Scandinavian cultures, known for their impish, malicious, and playfully naughty activities.
Of course, most folks associate elves as the hard-working, happy-go-lucky denizens of Santa Claus’ work shop in the North Pole.
(Which, by the way, is smack dab in the middle of Scandinavia.)
Every so often, without Santa or the Mrs. aware, the devilish side of elves gushes forth and mayhem, not publicized of course, ensues.
With that picture in mind, let yourself be transported to the mansion amidst the frozen environs of the north (at least for the moment, given the global warming situation and all).
Santa and the wife are taking a long winter’s nap in preparation for the big day, so the elves came out to play.
Santa’s house in the North Pole is “wired,” so he’s updated the whole letters to Santa electronically. Now, if you have a home computer, you are painfully aware that the threat of viruses or hackers is always there.
Little does Santa know the threat is “homegrown.” Elves will be elves and letters to Santa will be altered.
Shifty takes the lead, of course. (Poor fella. His parents set his future in place with a name like that.)
Shifty gathers the elves on a rare break in toy making. Some to stand guard in the office, others to keep an eye out that Santa’s sleep is deep.
Shifty piles several pillows on Santa’s desk chair and climbs into position, turning on the computer. The sign-in screen pops up and Shifty “the hacker” goes to work.
“Hmm, what would old fatso use as his user name and password?” he asks himself.
His tiny fingers punch in characters and he’s in on the first attempt.
“Rudolph … red nose … crafty, Santa, crafty,” Shifty says aloud.
“Huh?” a nearby voice blurts out.
“No, not you Crafty. I was just saying … oh, never mind, go back to making your paper snowflakes and reindeer,” responded Shifty.
Shifty turns his attention back to the computer screen.
“Umm, where is the folder? Oh, there it is,” Shifty says to himself proudly. “Letters to Santa.”
Just then the uneasy silence was broken with a crash. “What the …,” Shifty trailed off.
He turned around to see what caused the calamity.
“Figures,” mutters Shifty. “Hermey! Tipsy!”
(Seems Hermey’s mission to become a dentist was not received well, so he turned to the bottle to kill the pain of failure. He found a companion in misery in Tipsy, who knew where Santa kept the peppermint schnapps.)
“Hey, Squinty, he still asleep?” asked Shifty. “Yep,” Squinty said between blinks.
“Okay, let’s see. Who’s first?” Shifty asked himself.
Eldrick Woods … “Who’s he kiddin’? So, what does Tiger want?” … “Dear Santa, Guess you know I’ve had a tough stretch. I’d like a new set of clubs that hit the perfect shot every time and a knee brace that doesn’t show through my body-hugging slacks. Thanks. Merry Christmas.” … “No, that’s not what you want for Christmas,” whispered Shifty. “How about, (highlight, replace) I’d like for Jordan Spieth to grab all the headlines and have all the swing coaches I’ve fired come to a party to remind me where I messed up.”
Shifty smiled smugly and then looked to the next letter.
Peyton Manning … “This should be fun,” said Shifty. … Dear SC, Peyton here. I would like a new pair of shoes to protect my aging feet and a gift certificate to a massage parlor for my shoulder and arm. … “Nah, you don’t want that. Let’s try … I would like a fancy press conference to announce my retirement and a wool cap to keep my head warm during Denver winters.”
“Hey, this is fun!” exclaimed Shifty. “Why haven’t I thought of this before?”
Pittsburgh Penguins …”This should be interesting.” … Dear Santa, We want another Stanley Cup. Thanks, the Boys of Winter. … “Ri-i-i-ight.” … How about … Dear Santa, Please wrap up a coach that will give us a quick kick in the rear and rumors we’ll all be moved to other teams if we don’t shape up. The fans have spoken.”
Tom Brady … “Oh, dear lord. What else could he want?” … Hey buddy, loved the last party! Tell the Mrs. the food was great! Guess you read all about that problem I had earlier in the year, so how about a pump and a pressure gauge, and a new cellphone. I keep busting mine, somehow. A healthy running back and wide receiver would be appreciated, too!” … “Man, I’m going to enjoy this!” … Hey Fatty, I attached a cook book for your wife. Assuming she can read, suggest she give it a try. I’m still burping up those walrus fritters! Other than that, what else could I want?”
“Hey, he’s stirring!” alerted Squinty.
“Okay, one more,” said Shifty. “Hmmm, who will it be? Wait, I don’t see his name. Maybe I should write a letter for him.”
“Yes, I will do that,” a proud Shifty said. “Dear Santa, I’ve seen the commercials and understand you’re a big NBA fan. Time and years have taken their toll on me. I know I haven’t been the nicest guy, but anyway can you see to it that I end things on a positive, fun note? Thanks, Kobe Bryant.”
“Quick, one more.” … Dear Santa, Would you please remind all the folks to remember those who need someone, or those who are far away from home in service to America? A kind thought or a short note (and probably something sweet) would surely be appreciated. I’m sure everyone knows somebody. A simple smile could do wonders. Thanks.”
Shifty smugly smiled to himself as he shut down the computer and gathered up his accomplices, including the intoxicated pair of Tipsy and Hermey, to return to their toy-making responsibilities.
On behalf of the Herald-Standard sports department, hopes for a wonderful Christmas, free of computer-hacking elves. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Jim Downey can be reached at jdowney@heraldstandard.com