Sometimes people just need bottoms
Maybe it’s just me. But I had this idea that two-piece bathing suits were just that – two pieces. Then again I haven’t bought a new suit in 10 years and without a true emergency would not have subjected myself to the potential humiliation that comes with ducking into a small curtained booth, with electrifying florescent lights that highlight every real and imagined figure flaw.
I had thought my favorite suit was good for another 20 years, as my mother once had a bathing suit for 30, so I was disheartened when mine disintegrated following a recent visit to Idlewild Park’s Soak Zone.
This wasn’t a major problem as I figured I wouldn’t need it again until next summer, but last week I grew weary of hearing about everyone’s beach trip and decided to do something about it. So I booked a room then thought do I really want to take the two little ones to the beach without any help. Of course not, so I invited a friend to come along.
After saying yes, she confessed that she is in need of a suit as well. It’s not like she doesn’t have any. Like most women, she probably owns a dozen ranging in size from 8 to 14. But none of them fit.
Now I understand men readers will be scratching their heads trying to understand this because a bathing suit is a bathing suit and a size is a size. Trust me, that isn’t so. Clothes, especially bathing suits, not only have to feel right, they must look right. And by that I mean a swimsuit must make the wearer look better than she actually looks. This is no easy feat when it covers a small fraction of what is best kept covered.
Now I’m sure my friend could probably make do with one of her suits. And I’m sure that the suit I found in reserve at the bottom of a drawer is probably good enough to wear at a beach where absolutely no one knows me. But we will know.
So off to the mall we went and into department store No. 1 which had one rack of suits with a huge 50 percent off sign. Great, until we looked at half off of what. The only one that appeared to be a candidate was $80 marked down to $40. That wasn’t low enough for me to subject myself to the dreaded dressing room.
So off we went to department store No. 2. There again we found a discounted rack. This one left us puzzled as we slid garments and walked around the circular fixture.
They were all tops.
My friend asked a sales clerk where she might find the mates.
That’s all we have, the clerk told her by way of explanation that “sometimes people just need bottoms.”
Well, yeah, if by people she means men. Last I knew women needed both.
Like I said before, maybe it’s just me. But does this make any sense?
I’m not sure which beach these folks frequent, but I’m not going there. And I don’t care how great the sale, a top without a bottom won’t work.
So now with less than a week to go, we still lack suits.
I pulled my reserve suit on and figured it really wasn’t that bad, but a second opinion was called for. So I modeled it for my 20-year-old.
She rolled over laughing and said, “Hey, isn’t that the maternity suit you wore when you were pregnant with us?”
No it’s not and it doesn’t matter, I replied, repeating the mantra that no one will know me there.
“Oh no you don’t. You can’t wear that in public. What if one of my friends is at that beach and sees you like that?” she said.
That isn’t my problem. But I’m thinking about the possibility of patching together my old, favorite suit. Then again, only the top is broken. The bottoms are fine. Sometimes people just need tops. No one said they have to match.
Luanne Traud is the Herald-Standard’s editorial page editor. E-mail: ltraud@heraldstandard.com.