Film critic calls movie ultimate monster mash
For young fans of creature features, “Van Helsing” may register as the ultimate monster mash. For others, the PG-13 picture – which awkwardly teams the Frankenstein monster, the Wolf Man, Dracula and three of the vampire’s brides – will provide about as much fun as enduring a bear hug from Mighty Joe Young.
Director Stephen Sommers, who previously resurrected “The Mummy” (1999) and its sequel, used his whopping $150 million budget to assemble something that resembles a Halloween fun house more than a major motion picture. During “Van Helsing,” the filmmaker punctuates every action with a deafening boom, has performers deliver broad lines in a breathless fashion and seems obsessed with continually subjecting viewers to sensory overload.
Sommers also populates the screen with computer-generated images that resemble Spongebob Squarepants more than the vintage characters of the Frankenstein monster, Dracula and the Wolf Man, originally played in the Universal classics by Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi and Lon Chaney Jr., respectively. The sound you hear is all three of those performers turning over in their graves.
As the story begins in 1887, Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman of “X-Men”) works for a secret Vatican order devoted to using any means necessary to prevent evil beings from taking over the world.
Armed with lethal weapons such as a rapid-fire crossbow, hand-held circular saws and shiny six-shooters with silver bullets, Van Helsing, whose past is a mystery, goes where others fear to tread and bravely snuffs out evildoers, including Mr. Hyde who meets his maker early in the picture.
A church official dispatches Van Helsing to Transylvania on an important mission that requires him to stop the members of a royal family, including Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale of “Underworld”), from being destroyed by Dracula (an unimpressive Richard Roxburgh of “Moulin Rouge”). Once in that remote country, Van Helsing also deals with the Wolf Man (dancer-turned-actor Will Kemp), who has come under control of the vampire, and helps the Frankenstein monster (Shuler Hensley of Broadway’s “Oklahoma!”), a brutalized creature whose DNA holds a secret desperately sought by the bloodsucker.
The simplistic screenplay appears to have been written in crayon, since the only imperative in “Van Helsing” is gathering the creatures of the night and then having all hell break loose.
Jackman brings some flair to the title role, but he seems lightweight as an action hero in a film that borrows elements from franchises such as James Bond, Indiana Jones and “Star Wars,” and even steals a sexual sight gag from “Romancing the Stone.”
Youngsters may be wowed by the visual effects and overwhelmed by the mind-numbing audio elements, but even the most forgiving viewer may walk away feeling that not even Dracula gives “Van Helsing” much bite.
FILM REVIEW
“Van Helsing”
Grade: B- (for hard-core creature-feature fans); C- (for anyone else)
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, Will Kemp and Shuler Hensley; produced by Stephen Sommers and Bob Ducsay; written and directed by Stephen Sommers.
Running Time: 132 minutes.
Parental Guide: PG-13 rating (non-stop creature violence, frightening images, sexual innuendo).