Address puberty with transparency, love
Q: I’m not a teen, but I’m the parent of a 12-year-old. When I was 12, I took a class you taught about growing up. It was on a Saturday morning at the hospital, and I gave my mom a really hard time about going. You met a group of kids and parents in the lobby and chatted with us, and by the time we entered the classroom a little while later, I was reassured. We played games, ate snacks, did interactive things with our parents, and had fun. I left thinking I was okay, which was a huge gift because I’d been pretty miserable for six months before that. I doubt you still teach those classes – this was the 1980s – but I wonder if you could give me some hints for teaching our daughter. It’s not facts I need. There are plenty of books available on puberty. What I want is help with the attitude you gave us. How do I make her feel as comfortable in her body as you made me?
Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you. Being remembered by a former student is the greatest gift a teacher can receive. I loved those classes! I started them in 1984, because my eldest daughter was maturing, and I couldn’t find any class to convey what I wanted for her. My goals for those classes were broad. First, I wanted my students to leave class feeling they were worthy, their bodies were wonderfully made, puberty was normal, and they would be okay. Those were my most important messages. My second goal dealt with parents. I wanted to model their unconditional love for their children; I wanted the parents to encourage their growing youth to come to them with anything at all, from a dirty joke they heard on the bus to a crush. I modeled communication first.
That’s the first hint I offer you. Be transparent. Tell your daughter you are 100% here for her, no matter what. As her body and her emotions change, she may seem different to you and to herself. She’s your baby at 12 and 13 and 15 and 17 just as she was as an infant and toddler and kindergartner. Articulate the obvious. Say, “No matter how confused you ever are, or if you have weird questions, or strange feelings, I am here. I love you as you are. You are okay.”
Your messages must be positive, but also honest. Start young. Often parents think they need to discuss puberty when obvious physical changes occur, but the truth is some changes begin long before then. Emotional changes are a response to rising hormones and can easily begin at 9 or 10, or even earlier. Physically, take note of her feet. The first major body change is growing feet – have you seen her shoe size jump? That’s puberty. Prepare her for strange sensations and unusual feelings. Yes, there are many books for children on puberty. May I please caution you to read them with her? Don’t give her a book and walk away. The book isn’t her teacher, you are.
Finally, may I suggest you add some early sex ed to your conversations. Please note I said conversations – this is not a “one and done” talk, but rather an on-going experience of connection. The first two years I taught the classes; I stopped at the topic of puberty. The questions in my curiosity bag then all dealt with making babies. I realized the whole idea of puberty made no sense isolated from reproduction, so I added a gentle but accurate explanation. In today’s world, all a child needs to watch pornography is one student in the back of the bus with a phone and internet access. Be the parent who introduces the subject of sex. You can add your own values. Be warm and accepting, tell her you feel uncomfortable if you do, and say it all with love. You once prepared her to go to school, prepare her for life.
Your daughter is lucky to have you. Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.