Parenting with passion, commitment
Q. You were my teacher/mentor when I had a baby as a teen. That child is almost 21 and I have a 2-year-old. My husband is a great dad and gives compliments to my parenting. He sees the rest of my family and tells me that I’ve broken the cycle of poor parenting. If that’s true, it’s because of you. I follow you on social media and you posted something about moral and ethical development. I love reading your posts! This one made me think. Our 2-year-old can be challenging. One moment she can be pleasant and the next there’s a meltdown. I don’t let it trouble me. I remember you telling me when my first was this age that the best way to calm a child down is to remain calm. You taught me about teaching self-regulation (which meant, indirectly, I learned how to self-regulate myself). So, I’m writing first to thank you from my heart, and also to ask for advice. If I want to raise a child who develops ethically and morally, am I on the right track? My oldest turned out well. She’s in her third year of college. Considering I was the first in my family to graduate high school, I’m beyond thrilled about that. I want to parent well with this little one too. I can think of no one else better to ask. – Grateful and still learning
Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you so very much! There is no greater gift for a teacher than hearing from a former student, especially with such kind and generous words. I remember you very well. I’m not surprised you’re such a wonderful mom, nor am I surprised you’ve been able to break the cycle. You were always eager to learn and determined to be a good mother.
Congratulations on your eldest child’s success. We often blame parents when children make mistakes, but we do not always give credit when they do well. Parenting takes effort, as you know. I’m also thrilled you have a little one to raise with your husband. He sounds like a great partner.
Twos can be challenging, for certain. This age isn’t called “first adolescence” without cause. Your little one’s emotional lability – those up and down moods -is very common at this developmental stage. And, yes, staying calm and self-regulating helps our children calm down and self-regulate. Well done!
It’s lovely to be followed on social media, too. Thank you. I started using my platform to teach during the pandemic; my college classes sometimes spill over there. Moral and ethical developmental stages are theories. As I tell my college students, that simply means great thinkers hypothesized the way humans grow and develop and tested their theories over time. That doesn’t mean these theories are locked in stone. People change, humans are unique, and thoughts about parenting and child development can evolve.
I do support the theories that say we humans develop our moral compasses as we mature. The two primary theorists in this area are Lawrence Kohlberg and Carol Gilligan. Kohlberg felt that we go through six stages, beginning with a child who follows rules out of fear of punishment, segueing into one who adjusts behavior in the hope of a reward, and ultimately evolving to stage 6, ethical awareness. Gilligan was Kohlberg’s TA and felt his research was too narrow, so she altered it by interviewing a broader sample, and theorizing three stages of what she called an Ethics of Care – care for self, care for others, and finally, care for self and others.
I believe the best teaching we do with little ones is modeling. Your toddler will see you and your husband make ethical decisions; she will watch as you serve your community and your family. Like your eldest, I am sure she will grow to be an excellent human. Thank you for doing the vital work of parenting with such passion and commitment.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.