No timeline to grief
Q: I’m writing even though I’m far from a teen, but I believe you will respond. You taught me in middle and high school. I remember you fondly. I learned about life from you. We discussed relationships, communication, sexuality and an awareness of my body, all while focusing on self-worth. I turn to you now for a different aspect of life — death. My gram died. She was my primary parent. I was 5 when my parents split, and I had no siblings. At first, I was shuffled from my mother to my father and back again, until somehow my gram got involved and I lived with her. I saw my parents occasionally, but gram was my world. She nurtured me, she loved me, she taught me, and she was the person who insisted I take your classes. She told me she knew and trusted you.
Gram was in her 80s when she died. I need to let her go, but the grief is harsh. She meant so much to me. I’m a mom myself. I contacted you with my first pregnancy, and you helped. You told me the choice of how I parented was mine. I modeled my parenting after gram. To this day, I find myself reflecting on how she approached things. I try to do as she did. It appears to be working. My children are well-adjusted and happy. I don’t want them to see how much I’m grieving. Why can’t I just shake this off? It’s been three months. Gram had dementia at the end. I was forced to place her in a personal care home two months before her death. I visited her daily. If I had known she would pass so quickly, I would have struggled to keep her with us. I feel I should be able to handle this grief myself, but my husband keeps suggesting counseling. Signed, still in need of guidance.
Mary Jo’s Response: Grief is real, my friend. It is as unique as the person we’ve lost. The way we react to missing loved ones waxes and wanes with time. I do not believe we can “shake” off grief, nor should we try to do so. When we love deeply, we grieve deeply.
Grief is a natural response to loss. It is not linear, but rather can feel intermittent, with ups and downs. Most experts feel the most intense time for grief is the first six months after a loss, but in my personal practice, I’ve observed many people for whom intense grief lasts longer. If you feel your grief is overwhelming and is affecting your quality of life, it’s wise to seek support. I recall a professor in my graduate counseling program saying, “Every person could use counseling at some point in life.” Talking with a mental health professional can show resilience and courage. We do not hesitate to seek professional help with a fractured limb; this is no different.
Your grief is complicated by your feelings about the last months of your gram’s life. Dementia can be challenging. Seeking a safe place for loved ones is part of caring for them. You were with her every day; your dedication to her was stellar. Remember you did all you could.
You mention your desire to avoid letting your children see you grieve. I went through a phase like that when I was a young oncology nurse. I was trained to be professional, so I never let my grief permeate my work. One day, as I cleared the room of a small patient, crying as I worked, a co-worker entered the room to help. When she observed my grief and realized I’d hidden it from the child’s family, she assured me that shared grief is healthy and helpful. Your children will benefit from knowing how much you love and miss your gram. You are modeling healthy responses to loss. You are showing vulnerability, and that’s a gift to them.
Thank you for remembering me and for writing. Your words are a great gift. I’m proud of you. Your gram sounds like a wonderful person, and your parenting reflects her influence and your love.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email, podmj@healthyteens.com.