Phone use column generates response
Last week’s column about phone use drew some reactions. Here are a few of the emails/texts I received:
Q. Thank you! I have a 14-year-old, and we fought about phone use on the regular. I read your column of March 5th and took the suggestion of creating a contract with our daughter. We sat and discussed it openly – I even got ice cream (that was a suggestion of yours from another column). My husband and I were surprised by how angry she was and why she was angry. The pressure these teens are getting from their peers is so much. We listened to her – really listened. Then we explained our fears and why we set boundaries. We talked about her needs and our expectations and we wrote everything down. She initialized each point, as we did. We set consequences for negative behavior as well as rewards for positive adherence to the contract. It’s been 5 days without an argument. She’s happy. We’re happy. We’re grateful. Sign me happy mom
Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you for taking the time to email me and let me know. Communication works! I’m very pleased. Great parenting, mom! Thank YOU.
Q. Will you please tell my parents that I am not the only person my age who is fixated on phones? I find them to be hypocritical. They’re on their phones, too. I’m told to put mine away at dinner, but my dad is always answering texts while we eat. He says it’s important work stuff. If I can stay off my phone for a 45-minute dinner, I think he should be able to do so too. Am I wrong? – 15-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: You are not the only person your age who is fixated on phones. I teach a session on social media to my college class; the data is sobering. Young people spend a great deal of time on their phones, but then again, so do adults. Your point about hypocrisy – or a double standard – is well taken. A double standard means a rule is applied without equity. Adults have more privileges than young people by virtue of their maturity, but it sounds as if you’d like to set aside times when everyone is focused on the family, not devices and screens. While it is true that adults may need to take occasional work calls during dinner, especially if their occupation means they are “on call” to respond to a need, I doubt that means every dinner should be interrupted.
Would your parents be willing to discuss this with you and create a phone use agreement for family time that applies to everyone? I think this might ease your angst. Good luck.
Q. I read your last column with interest. Here’s the thing. I’d love to have a problem with phone use. I don’t because I do not have a phone and I’m very old. Please tell my folks that most 12-year-olds have phones and I’m an outlier. – Miserable 12-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Most 12-year-olds do have phones. I wish that were not the case. I know you feel “old” but you do have time to grow up and take on grown-up challenges. Your parents may be protecting you by waiting for you to be mature. Talk with them openly, explain how you will respect their boundaries and share how you feel left out with friends. Listen to them and be honest. Then, respect their decision. They have your best interests at heart. I hope the conversation goes well.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.