Choose relationships wisely
Q. Why do I have such lousy relationships? I’m a good person, honest. I try my best at school and in sports, I help out at home, I put up with my brothers (and this is NOT easy). I start out with someone, and it feels good. I think this is right. And then, something happens, like I get cheated on, or talked about to friends. This last guy asked me for a nude, and I stupidly sent it and then he sent it to everyone. I won’t do that again. Maybe I’ll just give up and stop going out with anyone. – 16-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: You’ve been hurt. Trust is hard to regain when it’s lost. I’m going to encourage you to avoid giving up, though.
I know the world can seem lonely and vast; it’s challenging to be positive when relationships that seem good end poorly. I think we should look at the choices you’re making when you select someone, but before we do, please let me reassure you. There are good people out there. Continue to do what you do for others, at school, with sports and in your family. Doing the right thing is never wrong. Be true to yourself. You matter.
Relationships can be difficult. They require effort, but, most importantly, they take some wisdom. Ask yourself what you want in a partner. List the qualities you want and be picky. You’re worth it. When I taught in the 1990s, I showed my students the last scene in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” to illustrate the hazards of choosing poorly. You may know it. The Nazi drinks from the wrong cup and melts. A wizened old knight had instructed Indy and the others to “choose wisely.” I told my students that an unhealthy relationship choice would not cause their skin to melt, but there would be consequences. Simply put, a healthy relationship can enhance life, and an unhealthy one can make life difficult. Choose wisely from the first.
I hope your list includes mutual respect, trust, communication, cooperation, and the ability to laugh together. Shared interests may help, but you don’t need to enjoy all the same things to have a healthy relationship. You do need to honor each person’s dreams. A wonderful colleague of mine, Dr. Sol Gordan, who wrote the book, “How Can You Tell if You’re Really in Love?,” always said a true healthy relationship included “shared household tasks.” Once you have your list, be selective. You learned a difficult lesson when you sent the pic; I’m glad you won’t do that again. Not only is it unethical to share such pictures, but it may also be illegal. Hold onto your standards.
Being single can feel lonely, but you’re not alone. The best way I know to feel connected is to volunteer to help others. Our Common Ground Teen Center offers activities like Cooking Club and Art Club – we have something fun each night. We also offer a peer education program, where teens are trained to teach other teens. One of our workshops is called Respect Online – you may be especially interested in it. We help middle schoolers make smart online choices. We’re open from 4 to 8 pm Monday through Friday, and we’re located at 92 N. Main St. in Washington.
I’ll close by sharing what my papa told me when I was a teen and I wondered if I’d ever find the right person. He assured me of my worth, as he always did, and then said, “Honey, you just need one.” Good luck. I hope to see you at peer education on Thursday nights at the center.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.