Rising above a toxic home life
Q. I leave for college in 5 weeks and I’m not coming back. I know that sounds dramatic. Here’s the truth. My parents are toxic. I live with adults who are mean and unkind to each other and to me. My two older siblings left home for college and never returned; they only connect with me. I know some kids grow up with severe physical abuse and food insecurity, so my childhood could have been worse, but emotionally, it was tough to live with one parent who is an alcoholic and has attempted suicide twice, and the other who is a narcissist and was incarcerated in my early childhood. In fact, the most important conversations I have with my sibs are about our parents’ toxicity. I’ve never heard the words “I love you” in our house. It’s like living with two judgmental strangers who take every opportunity to put the three of us down. Why am I writing to you? Because I’ve learned through you and through my contact with other teachers/coaches/school counselors that adults can be different. I’ve experienced caring relationships where young people are nurtured and taught instead of constantly being mocked and put down. I want to thank you for that. I’m also thanking all the other adults who made a difference in my life, especially during adolescence. I have no regrets about leaving. I know it’s the best choice for me. Wish me luck. – 18-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: It takes courage to face difficult choices. I appreciate your kind words.
I’d like to reinforce your worth and remind you that you are not your parents. You are you, and the person you are matters. Not only do I wish you luck, I hope your college experience will help you continue growing as a mature young adult and provide you with the skills you need to thrive.
Have you heard of Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris’ work with Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES)? Her book, “The Deepest Well,” explains how the negative experiences of childhood can affect adult mental and physical health. She also has an excellent TED talk. Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACES, are potentially traumatic events that occur in childhood (0-17 years). Examples include:
Experiencing violence, abuse, or neglect.
Witnessing violence in the home or community.
Having a family member attempt or die by suicide.
ACES also include growing up in an environment where adults have:
Substance use problems.
Mental health problems.
Instability due to parental separation.
Instability due to household members being in jail or prison.
PCES (Positive Childhood Experiences) are a set of interpersonal relationships between family, friends, in school, and in community that foster a child’s capacity to thrive. Research shows PCES can buffer the effects of ACES. The relationships you describe with caring adults are PCES. I’m pleased you’ve been exposed to these adults.
Please remember your worth. If you decide to be a parent some day, please nurture your children. We tend to parent as we were parented if we do not flip the parenting script. Make a conscious choice to provide your children with positive life experiences. If you decide to take on parenting, please connect with me or with other caring adults for guidance and counseling. Your choices are your own.
Enjoy college. Continue connecting with your siblings. The three of you are family. Good luck.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.