Work some kindness into your day
Q. Why is so hard to be kind to some people? – 14-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Your question shows maturity and reflection. I’m proud of you. Kindness is complicated. Many parents raise their children to be kind. Some families perceive kindness as weakness. Our childhoods affect our tendency to show kindness, and our personalities may limit how outwardly kind we are. Is it easier to be kind to some people? Research says it is.
Kindness is defined as the ability to be friendly, generous and considerate. To be kind means a person can be other-directed – to consider the needs and feelings of others. We are born self-directed. Caring for a toddler demonstrates how children think of themselves first. Parenting and modeling kindness teaches little ones to consider the needs of their family members and friends.
It is easier to be kind to those who are kind to us. If someone takes the time to inquire of our well-being, share with us, or engage in a pleasant conversation, we are likely to reciprocate. It is harder to be kind to those with whom we disagree, or who believe in values different from ours, or are not from our immediate social group. It takes courage to reach out to someone we don’t know. If we do not share common ground with someone, kindness takes more effort.
In August 2021, BBC Radio 4 launched the Kindness Test. It was an online questionnaire created by a team at the University of Sussex, led by the psychologist Robin Banerjee. More than 60,000 people from 144 countries chose to take part, making it the world’s largest psychological study on the topic of kindness.
The study revealed:
Acting kindly makes us feel good. Sussex University neuroscientist Dan Campbell-Meiklejohn said, “Kindness can cost us, yet we experience a sense of reward in parts of our brain when we are kind to others, just as we do when eat yummy food or have a pleasant surprise. These parts of the brain become active and motivate us to do them again and again.”
Kindness is contagious. Being kind has a ripple effect. When people “pay it forward,” those who receive kindness are more likely to extend generosity and consideration to others.
Showing kindness can make us feel less anxious. When students who experience social anxiety were asked to perform acts of kindness for four weeks, such as doing their roommate’s washing or donating to charity, their social anxiety and desire to avoid social situations were reduced, compared with a group who weren’t asked to do kind acts.
Barriers to acts of kindness were also revealed in the study. It may be that we don’t notice when someone needs something, that we’re afraid of looking weak, or perhaps, with strangers, we’re embarrassed to offer help in case they don’t need it or we’re mistaken about a situation. We just may be too shy to reach out at all. Being kind to strangers may be easier than being kind to someone with whom we have negative history. It is instinctive to protect ourselves from harm.
I’m pleased you’re thinking about kindness. Try to see the possibility for acts of kindness daily.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.