Choosing kindness wins the day
Q. I feel like I should help others more. I know that sounds weird. Let me explain. Since my parents split, I’ve watched how they act. I love them both, but I’ve decided I want to live my life the way my mom does, not the way my dad does. First of all, he takes every chance he has to put down my mom. I wonder how stupid he thinks I am. I can tell he’s mad at her, but telling her kids what a bad person she is, is not, in my opinion, the best way to be a parent. Especially with my younger siblings. My mom, on the other hand, doesn’t bad mouth my dad. I know she’s hurt too but she shares our time with him and is kind about it. I also watch how she acts with other people. My gram is older and sickly. My mom picks up her groceries and cooks extra and then brings the food to gram. Mom is a kind person, not just to family.
I feel like I’m old enough to make a choice about how I want to live my life. I choose kindness. I’m also worried. With such a poor example of a relationship right in front of me, do I even have a chance at a good relationship myself? Thank you. – 14-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: I wanted to hug you when I read your text. I love the way you’re thinking. I appreciate the way you’re planning your future. I admire the type of person you aspire to be.
Divorce is hard for everyone. Adults may be grown but they are not always right, nor are they always emotionally mature. People react to disappointment and frustration in different ways. I agree, your dad’s approach isn’t the best one. I do hope you can see the anger in his words. He may not realize how much he’s affecting his children. Are you able to talk with him? At a minimum, I think it would be wise if you respectfully told him you didn’t want to listen to him put down your mom. Share that your mom remains respectful when she talks about him. It may not help, but I’ve found many adults do not realize how much their words have power.
As to your choice to be kind, I wholeheartedly agree. Life is what we make of it. I was raised to believe that we cannot always select the things that happen to us, but we can control our reactions to them. Your mom is a wonderful role model. Follow her example but be yourself. Adolescence – this time of your life – is when you figure out your identity – the person you want to be. Your thoughts show that you are maturing well. You’re thinking of others. You’re planning your reactions to life’s challenges. You want to help others and be kind. These are wonderful character traits. I’m very proud of you.
Once more, I suggest you communicate. Have you told your mom how much you appreciate her attitude and the way she treats others? We often forget to tell the people closest to us how much they matter to us. Your words matter.
Choosing to be kind doesn’t need to be a big gesture. Kindness is found in everyday things – in following rules at school, in sharing, in listening to friends and in offering help in small ways, every day. Extending kindness can mean supporting a friend during a crisis, offering to help your parents with chores without being told, telling a teacher you liked a lesson, speaking out when bullying occurs, and knowing right from wrong, then doing the right thing.
Your thoughts on relationships are wise. It is easiest to follow the paths of those closest to us. It takes thought and effort to select a healthy relationship when we have no model for one. It is very possible to have a wonderful relationship, however. Let’s continue chatting. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect and trust, honesty, communication, and the willingness to compromise. You deserve a healthy relationship someday. You can do this. I have faith in you.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.