Adult readers share comments, questions
I’m proud of the teens who expressed their feelings about our Common Ground Teen Center in last week’s Ask Mary Jo column. We printed the column and posted it on the bulletin board at the Center. I think they were pleased with their words.
While I often receive comments on my columns, I do not typically share them here. When the comments are from young people, I respond and then may incorporate them into another column; when they are from adults, I try to respond to each. This week, however, I’d like to share. I’d also like to share two questions I received from adults about adolescents. I’ve served children and teens for over five decades, starting as a pediatric nurse at Children’s Hospital. I’ve witnessed many societal changes, the most consequential of which are the internet and social media.
A few comments from last week’s column:
Comment 1: I wish something like the teen center existed when I was young. I was a child of divorce in a time when few parents split. Parents may not have been happy, but they tended to “stay together for the children.” I was often ostracized for coming from a “broken home”. I’m in my 80s, so it’s obviously been a long time, but I can still feel my loneliness. I would have given anything to have a place like this for teens. Thank you for doing this.
Comment 2: I read the teen comments about why their Teen Center mattered to them with a great deal of joy. Their comments showed their growth, their maturity, and their respect for the other teens. I had a church youth group when I was a teen, but nothing like this. I’m sending in a donation to your see saw event!
Comment 3: As a young man I felt lost. I couldn’t figure myself out. I wasn’t an athlete. I wasn’t a scholar. I was painfully shy. When I read the teens’ comments in your column I thought, maybe I would have found a safe space at a place like that if it had existed. I’ve had a successful career and a loving family … I retire next year…. but I remember being 15 and miserable. Thank you.
Two questions I receive most often from adults and my responses:
Which is the best school district for my teen? I tell parents each district has merit, and the key to their young person’s education and behavior is threefold: 1. As parents, they are their children’s primary educators – what they do speaks loudly. Modeling respect results in respectful behavior; 2. Peer interaction is pivotal to adolescent growth. Be aware of a teen’s friends and monitor their relationships while teaching them how to navigate social interactions; 3. Social and emotional learning and emotional regulation are key components of growing up. Once more, a parent’s example counts.
I feel like my 13-year-old is moody all the time. Please tell me this will pass.I want my sweet child back. Adolescent years can be challenging for teens and for parents. Yes, the mood swings will pass. Your child is just as sweet and is still your child. Puberty can be tough. Teen social lives may be volatile. Friends from elementary school can become bullies; relationships are complicated. As adults, we sometimes assume we understand a teen’s angst, but the reality is connection with adolescents is a cross-cultural experience, not unlike visiting a new country.
Ways to connect: Listen, listen and listen some more. Hear their words. Read their moods. Model emotional regulation. When your child had a tantrum as a 2-year-old, you remained calm. You didn’t lie down on the floor and kick your heels, screaming. As teens, they need us to remain calm again. Anger feeds anger. Stay steady. A calm, accepting parent can be an oasis in the midst of puberty.
Good luck to all.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.