Moving forward after a breakup
Q. My boyfriend broke up with me without any reason at all. We met online. We’ve been together over a year. And it’s just over – no phone call, no text, nothing. He blocked me. I can’t even find out what went wrong. My gram says I need to snap out of it. She says I wasn’t in love in the first place because we never met and we’re too young to know what love is. But we talked 2 and 3 times a day! We FaceTimed and watched movies together. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. I told him everything. And now he’s gone. I live with my gram. I don’t have any other adults to talk with. I need to feel better. He’s all I can think about. – 15-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Love is deeply personal. I’ve witnessed many people your age feel abandoned when relationships end; in the last decade, many of those relationships were online.
I believe if a person thinks they are in love, that feeling needs respected and honored. If you feel like you’re in love, then you are. The love may not be a mature love, however. A mature love involves communication and give-and-take; the two people respect one another, even if they disagree. A mature relationship is based on mutual trust. Ending a relationship without giving a reason is a sign of immature love, sadly. While immature love can be powerful, it seldom leads to a healthy relationship.
Defining your relationship as immature doesn’t take away your pain, and I acknowledge your feelings. Moving forward takes time. I suggest connecting with friends, volunteering in your community or at school, keeping up with your homework, doing things around the house to make your gram’s life easier – in other words, keeping busy. Busyness won’t diminish your hurt over this loss. I wish it hadn’t happened to you. Focusing on something besides your sorrow might help, though. I also recommend counseling if the sadness doesn’t ease. Seeing a counselor doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Most people need help at one time in their lives.
Erikson was a psychologist who theorized humans go through psychosocial stages as they grow. You may study him in psychology one day. According to Erikson, adolescence (12-18) is a time where maturing humans must grow into their identity or suffer role confusion. I believe adolescent relationships are part of that growth, where teens begin to understand what type of partner they want as adults. Learning from this breakup could help you figure out what you need and want in a relationship; it may also increase your confidence and self-worth.
An online relationship may be alien to your gram. Share your feelings with her. Be respectful and kind. It is possible to care deeply for someone with whom you spend so much time online; I am concerned, however, that you’re missing social friendships and relationships. Try to get involved in the real world. Come to our Common Ground Teen Center (92 N. Main Street, Washington, open Monday through Friday from 4 to 8 p.m.). You’ll meet people your age who share many of your interests and you’ll have fun. A great first night is Thursday, when we host Cooking Club.
You are worthy of a wonderful relationship with a person who values you.
Peer Educator Response: Online relationships can certainly hurt if they end badly. Just because it’s online and you’re young doesn’t mean it’s not real. Have some faith in yourself, though. You’ll get past this. Believe in you.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.