Respecting others’ beliefs
Q. My mom has a new boyfriend. I’m wrestling with feeling jealous. I never knew my dad, although my mom speaks highly of him. I don’t contradict her, but I think to myself, if he’s so great, where is he? It’s strange to grow up without a father but I’m used to it. She’s never had a boyfriend that I know of. So, I get that I’m probably jealous and I’m trying, I honestly am. Here’s the thing, though. Her new boyfriend isn’t a bad guy. He tries to connect with me, I can tell. It’s just hard to see my mom be so different. You see, her new boyfriend is Jewish. My mom has always been a super Christian. She’s involved in our church. We never miss service on Sunday. Now, all of a sudden, she tells me we’re celebrating Passover this year. What does this mean? I asked her and she said we are still celebrating Easter and her new boyfriend will go to church with us. I don’t get it. How can we celebrate two different kinds of faiths? – 15-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: It’s insightful for you to realize you may be jealous of the time your mom is giving to her new partner. Change is hard, although it is a constant in life. It’s mature of you to think this through and acknowledge your feelings. I’m glad you shared with me. I recommend you share your feelings with your mom, too, as soon as you’re able.
Sometimes we assume the people we love who love us can read our minds – that their love for us makes them understand our needs. The opposite is true. Love doesn’t make us mind readers. Communication is the key to healthy relationships, including the one you have with your mom. Start the conversation gently and be kind. Do not attack her. Simply share that you feel having her new partner in your life feels different. Share what you told me – you know he is trying to connect with you. Give him a chance and give your mom a chance to explain her feelings.
You raise an interesting question about faith. There are good messages in all belief systems; your mom’s respect for her new partner’s faith and its traditions does not take away from her own faith. She can honor his Passover traditions while remaining true to her own beliefs.
Let me tell you a story. I was raised by two wonderful people. My parents were married during the early years of the Depression. Money was tight. They rented one room from a Jewish family. During that time, my mama was exposed to Jewish traditions. She loved keeping the Sabbath and respected Jewish holidays all her life. Yet she was a Christian. My parents were the type of Christian who lived their faith by modeling love for others. They volunteered; they served in the community – I had role models who taught me the best of Christianity. Despite their deep faith, they honored the goodness of other religions. I was taken to a synagogue as a child, and my parents taught me about Judaism. This respect for another faith did not detract in any way from their faith.
Your mom is welcoming her new partner into your lives by honoring his traditions and respecting his beliefs. If you allow yourself, you will learn new traditions without diminishing your faith. I’m sure your mom’s faith remains strong, but, again, I suggest you discuss this with her. Please have the grace to hear what she tells you. Happy Passover and Happy Easter.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.