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Herald-Standard

Tuesday, May 17, 2022 8:02 PM

  • 65° Sunny
    • Uniontown, PA (15401)

      Today

      Mostly clear. Low near 45F. Winds light and variable..

      Tonight

      Mostly clear. Low near 45F. Winds light and variable.

      Updated: May 17, 2022 @ 7:48 pm

    • Full Forecast
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Tuesday, May 17, 2022 8:02 PM

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — California Dreamin' of My Pen Pal

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — California Dreamin' of My Pen Pal

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — I'm not making this up!

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — I'm not making this up!

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — Me, Myself and Aye Yai-Yai!

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — Me, Myself and Aye Yai-Yai!

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — Be cautious of being Beanboozled

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — Be cautious of being Beanboozled

According to Hofmann — The Backpack Monster

According to Hofmann — The Backpack Monster

According to Hofmann — Beware of the Krampus, Virginia

According to Hofmann — Beware of the Krampus, Virginia

According to Hofmann - Sleep deprivation

According to Hofmann - Sleep deprivation

According to Hofmann: Sticks and stones can break my bones

According to Hofmann: Sticks and stones can break my bones

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • May 14, 2022
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I don’t know if it’s easier or more difficult to fake being a doctor nowadays … I’m asking for a friend, of course.

According to Hofmann: The head DJ syndrome

According to Hofmann: The head DJ syndrome

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • May 8, 2022
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If you’re a well-versed student of psychology or even a casual observer of the practice, you're aware that the brain is one messed-up organ, clinically speaking.

According to Hofmann: The issues with the 'on/in' debate

According to Hofmann: The issues with the 'on/in' debate

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Updated May 5, 2022
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There are many unanswerable questions that have plagued mankind for centuries and by “centuries”, I mean a few hundred years.

According to Hofmann: The Ballad of the Toothless Easter

According to Hofmann: The Ballad of the Toothless Easter

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Apr 24, 2022
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I felt bad that I didn’t have an Easter column to run on Easter Sunday this year, but the well was running dry.

According to Hofmann: The not-so-secret handshakes of our appliances

According to Hofmann: The not-so-secret handshakes of our appliances

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Apr 16, 2022
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For the briefest moment in my life in my early 20s, I felt like a genius.

According to Hofmann: The soft rock 'n roll controversy

According to Hofmann: The soft rock 'n roll controversy

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Apr 10, 2022
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As if there are not enough reminders in our daily lives that we’re getting older, I think the biggest one may be the most depressing one, and that’s music on the radio.

According to Hofmann: The pursuit of happiness in the airport terminal

According to Hofmann: The pursuit of happiness in the airport terminal

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Apr 2, 2022
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One of my literature classes in college included of a study of fables, which are small, simple morality tales with animals often acting out metaphors of human behavior.

According to Hofmann: A crack(er) in the universe

According to Hofmann: A crack(er) in the universe

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Mar 26, 2022
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It’s funny when you hear two different things – totally separate from one another – and you make a connection that seems crazy at the moment, but eventually makes sense.

According to Hofmann: What dreams may come...to mess with your head

According to Hofmann: What dreams may come...to mess with your head

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Mar 19, 2022
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I spent nearly an hour the other morning trying to convince myself that I wasn’t a child actor who fell too early from grace and the stress from that caused dissociative amnesia so the whole thing was wiped from my mind.

According to Hofmann: The gas station diaries, vol. 1

According to Hofmann: The gas station diaries, vol. 1

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Mar 12, 2022
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I recently heard that looking at the gas prices at the pump has caused many people to suffer “sticker shock”, which, to be fair, is an inaccurate assessment.

According to Hofmann: Always be sci-fi ready

According to Hofmann: Always be sci-fi ready

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Mar 5, 2022
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I tell people that I was once a Boy Scout, but I quit because I wasn't prepared, which of course is the opposite of their motto "Always Be Prepared".

According to Hofmann: An honest self-assessment

According to Hofmann: An honest self-assessment

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Feb 26, 2022
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There are points in a person’s life where they have to stop what they’re doing and perform a self-assessment of their current situation.

According to Hofmann: Hacking up your food

According to Hofmann: Hacking up your food

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Updated Feb 25, 2022
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During one of my regular trips to a certain fast food drive-thru to engage in death by super sizing, something caught my eye: they’re allowing customers to hack their menu.

According to Hofmann: The hamster humdinger

According to Hofmann: The hamster humdinger

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Feb 13, 2022
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Whenever you’re introducing a new pet into the family, a process takes place–a ritual, if you will.

According to Hofmann: Complementing Strangers: a mother's guide to world peace

According to Hofmann: Complementing Strangers: a mother's guide to world peace

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Updated Feb 11, 2022
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Following the death of my father three years ago, I dedicated a column to him. So, with my mom passing away two weeks ago, I wanted to do the same for her. However, I couldn't find a column on standby that I could use, so I decided to rework my eulogy to her into a column.

According to Hofmann: Believe you me

According to Hofmann: Believe you me

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Jan 15, 2022
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Bruce Springsteen once said--well, sang, actually--”you can’t start a fire without a spark” and then he talked and talked and talked.

According to Hofmann: Solutions for resolutions

According to Hofmann: Solutions for resolutions

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Jan 2, 2022
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I hope you’re not reading this week’s column through the hazy, thudding head of a New Year's Day hangover. If you are, then I hope you can live with your horrible, alcohol-induced decisions made during New Year’s Eve.

According to Hofmann: Ghosts of holiday movie-debate past

According to Hofmann: Ghosts of holiday movie-debate past

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Dec 26, 2021
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Just when you thought it was safe to express what your favorite Christmas movie is, someone has to come and ruin it for you.

According to Hofmann: The best parking spot ever

According to Hofmann: The best parking spot ever

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Dec 19, 2021
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You know, Christmas time really does bring out the best in people.

Well, what I really mean is everyone is looking for "The Best". They always want the best tree, the best gift, the best Christmas-spirited punch and then the best hangover cure the next morning.

According to Hofmann: Forbidden fruits to unwanted vegetables

According to Hofmann: Forbidden fruits to unwanted vegetables

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Dec 12, 2021
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I was originally going to classify a phenomenon that I recently identified as something of a Christmas miracle; however, like Christmas miracles, I found it to really be commonplace-–something that everyone experiences and ignores, and they move on with their lives.

According to Hofmann: All I 'Once' for Christmas

According to Hofmann: All I 'Once' for Christmas

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Dec 5, 2021
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Because all my news about Texas comes from Australian media, The West Australian shared a story that a bar in Texas had posted a sign on their jukebox that reads…

According to Hofmann: 2021 Parental Misery Index

According to Hofmann: 2021 Parental Misery Index

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Updated Nov 26, 2021
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PMI is my research and analysis of the hottest toys of the holiday season. Those toys are then assigned a rating on my proprietary PMI scale from 1 to 10 based on how miserable the toy will make an unsuspecting parent.

According to Hofmann: I'd buy that for a dollar

According to Hofmann: I'd buy that for a dollar

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Nov 21, 2021
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It never dawned on me the awe-inspiring notion of the dollar stores until I was trying to find straws inside of one.

According to Hofmann: Shelved elves

According to Hofmann: Shelved elves

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Nov 14, 2021
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Yeah, I know it’s not even Thanksgiving yet, and I’m writing about what’s mostly a Christmas-themed subject, but everyone else seems to be doing it, and I caved under peer pressure.

According to Hofmann: Toys in cereal will save humanity

According to Hofmann: Toys in cereal will save humanity

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Nov 6, 2021
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It’s not often that I get appalled by a box of cereal, but then again, I originally thought pulling someone’s finger was a legitimate digestive aid, but then I turned 40 and recognized it for the childish act it is.

According to Hofmann: Trick or defeat

According to Hofmann: Trick or defeat

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Oct 30, 2021
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I was recently going through some old childhood photos, trying to pinpoint the exact date where everything started to go wrong. Right now, it can be either 1998 or 1999, so I can stop blaming Y2K now.

According to Hofmann: The over/under debate over?

According to Hofmann: The over/under debate over?

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Oct 24, 2021
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I always say I do my best thinking when I’m either sitting on the toilet or driving around; if I can figure out a way to do both at the same time, I’d truly be unstoppable.

According to Hofmann: Social interactions and reactions

According to Hofmann: Social interactions and reactions

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Oct 17, 2021
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I’ve been really wanting to take advantage of purchasing groceries online for pickup and delivery, but that “family” of mine insists that we grocery shop at the store so I can “get some air”, so I can “stop practicing to be a hermit” and so I can “relearn social interaction”.

According to Hofmann: We can dance if we want to...but please don’t

According to Hofmann: We can dance if we want to...but please don’t

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Oct 3, 2021
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Today's column examines the phenomenon of dancing--what it is, its origins and, frankly, why I hate it.

According to Hofmann: Save time, be politically incorrect

According to Hofmann: Save time, be politically incorrect

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Sep 26, 2021
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There’s a lot to be said about political correctness and the euphemisms it spawns, but some instances of political correctness have turned into a waste of time ... literally. 

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