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Friday, April 16, 2021 5:44 AM

  • 40° Showers in the Vicinity
    • Uniontown, PA (15401)

      Today

      Light rain this morning. Then remaining cloudy. High 49F. Winds W at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of rain 70%..

      Tonight

      Cloudy skies early, followed by partial clearing. Low 37F. Winds W at 5 to 10 mph.

      Updated: April 16, 2021 @ 5:24 am

    • Full Forecast
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Friday, April 16, 2021 5:44 AM

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — California Dreamin' of My Pen Pal

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — California Dreamin' of My Pen Pal

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — I'm not making this up!

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — I'm not making this up!

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — Me, Myself and Aye Yai-Yai!

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — Me, Myself and Aye Yai-Yai!

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — Be cautious of being Beanboozled

VIDEO: According to Hofmann — Be cautious of being Beanboozled

According to Hofmann — The Backpack Monster

According to Hofmann — The Backpack Monster

According to Hofmann — Beware of the Krampus, Virginia

According to Hofmann — Beware of the Krampus, Virginia

According to Hofmann - Sleep deprivation

According to Hofmann - Sleep deprivation

According to Hofmann: The curse of the purse

According to Hofmann: The curse of the purse

  • by Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Apr 11, 2021
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This week's column will deal with purses in all their glory and why they're such a mystery to us guys.

According to Hofmann: Return to the valley of the American Girl dolls

According to Hofmann: Return to the valley of the American Girl dolls

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Apr 4, 2021
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The more I learn about fatherhood, the more I realize that fatherhood is mainly about standing around and holding stuff.

According to Hofmann: Search, Alt, Delete

According to Hofmann: Search, Alt, Delete

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Mar 25, 2021
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This week's column is about one's search history on their internet browsers and how they tell a story about the user. Mine tells a story...and what a story it is!

According to Hofmann: I've been mugged

According to Hofmann: I've been mugged

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Mar 18, 2021
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The number and variety of coffee mugs one has in their home tells a little about them. My coffee mugs pretty much tells everyone that my life is totally insane.

According to Hofmann: The zombie apocalypse is real ... metaphorically speaking

According to Hofmann: The zombie apocalypse is real ... metaphorically speaking

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Mar 11, 2021
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Much attention has returned to the CDC's website where it details how to survive a zombie apocalypse as a metaphor for surviving a disaster. However, I have an alternative to zombies worth checking out. 

According to Hofmann: Revenge of the Shoppers! (rated-R for retail)

According to Hofmann: Revenge of the Shoppers! (rated-R for retail)

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Mar 4, 2021
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As we all know, COVID-19 has brought the world wonderful new phrases and wonderful new practices like masking, social distancing, remote learning and liquor stockpiling.

According to Hofmann: Yahtzee and crime

According to Hofmann: Yahtzee and crime

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Feb 28, 2021
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Of all the board games in the world, I had no idea that Yahtzee has plenty of violent stories surrounding it--even to the point where the stories that include kidnapping aren't even true. This week's column will look closer into the Yahtzee phenomenon.

According to Hofmann: Once upon a Fortnite dreary...

According to Hofmann: Once upon a Fortnite dreary...

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Feb 21, 2021
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A story filed in the You’ve Gotten Old Dept. happened after my wife and I purchased a Nintendo Switch video game system for our 10-year-old for Christmas.

According to Hofmann: Valentine’s Voodoo Day

According to Hofmann: Valentine’s Voodoo Day

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Feb 14, 2021
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Let’s face it, Valentine’s Day isn’t for everyone.

According to Hofmann: Artificial flavor of the month

According to Hofmann: Artificial flavor of the month

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Feb 7, 2021
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This week's column deals with artificial flavors and scents and how they open a whole new world of fakeness.

According to Hofmann: Leave the pee to me

According to Hofmann: Leave the pee to me

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Jan 31, 2021
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Of all the emails that trickle through the cracks to and drip on my computer, the one that didn’t get flushed happened to be about a survey by Enviro-Master, a health and safety company, about what they call the risky business of using public restrooms.

According to Hofmann: A hypo-pathetical hangover cure

According to Hofmann: A hypo-pathetical hangover cure

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Jan 24, 2021
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It’s true what they say, every rose has its thorn, every head has its tail, every yin has its yang and every Cheech has its Chong.

According to Hofmann: Rage against the dying of the Christmas lights

According to Hofmann: Rage against the dying of the Christmas lights

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Jan 17, 2021
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The procrastination involved with taking down Christmas lights is a phenomenon that scientists are eventually going to get around to studying when there’s a warm day and when they have a free afternoon.

According to Hofmann: Every dog has it's day...at the table

According to Hofmann: Every dog has it's day...at the table

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Jan 10, 2021
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Even though dogs sitting below dinner tables are a far cry from their hunting ancestors of the wolf, the cunningness of the hunt is still in all domesticated dogs and this week's column shows how they hunt at you dinner table.

According to Hofmann: Ad nauseam

According to Hofmann: Ad nauseam

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Jan 3, 2021
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Thanks be to the retail gods that the holiday shopping season is finally over! Most of us survived, although broke and broken and broken and broke and, of course, broke.

According to Hofmann: Now they're saying that 'Now they're saying' is the most used phrase of 2020

According to Hofmann: Now they're saying that 'Now they're saying' is the most used phrase of 2020

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Dec 27, 2020
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I don’t know about anyone else, but normally around June or July, my thoughts go to whatever will be considered the words or phases that are most used throughout the year. Such insight comes when you don't have much of a life.

According to Hofmann: Eggnog on my noggin

According to Hofmann: Eggnog on my noggin

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Dec 20, 2020
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If you've ever wondered what eggnog would taste like if you would pour spirits in it other than the normal rum or bourbon, but you were afraid that such thoughts spoken out loud would land you in an asylum, then no worries because that's what this week's column is all about!

According to Hofmann: It's a Wonderful Die Hard Christmas Story Sequel!

According to Hofmann: It's a Wonderful Die Hard Christmas Story Sequel!

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Dec 13, 2020
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It has been settled that "Die Hard" is a Christmas movie, but what about "Die Hard 2"? This week's column explores why it is by comparing it to another Christmas classic, "A Christmas Story".

According to Hofmann: 2020 Parental Misery Index

According to Hofmann: 2020 Parental Misery Index

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Updated Dec 4, 2020
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As a service to parents fighting tooth and nail to get toys for under the tree, I present my fourth-annual Parental Misery Index (PMI) guide.

According to Hofmann: Let the nostalgia wars begin!

According to Hofmann: Let the nostalgia wars begin!

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Nov 29, 2020
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There's something to be said about nostalgia--some people want to cherish it and others want to constantly reinvent it. This week's column shows those differences--mainly between my wife and I during the holiday season.

According to Hofmann: Yellow Wednesday and the other holidays of Thanksgiving

According to Hofmann: Yellow Wednesday and the other holidays of Thanksgiving

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Nov 22, 2020
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Anyone who reads this column on a regular basis knows that I love writing about holidays...and aliens...and toilets...and robots...and my tendency to lose focus on whatever I’m writing about...and...where was I going with this?

According to Hofmann: Photo finished

According to Hofmann: Photo finished

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Nov 15, 2020
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I don’t care how smart you are, the task of ordering your child’s class photos can push any IQ to the breaking point, and this week's column will show you why.

According to Hofmann: Variety can be the over-spice of life

According to Hofmann: Variety can be the over-spice of life

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Nov 8, 2020
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If you haven't noticed, potato chips, cookies and even alcoholic drinks have embraced releasing new and different flavors like cheesesteak potato chips, chocolate mint sundae cookies and bacon-flavored vodka. In this week's column, I'll tell you why and what to expect next.

According to Hofmann: Six degrees of coronavirus

According to Hofmann: Six degrees of coronavirus

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Nov 1, 2020
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If you've ever played the game "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon", then you've maybe already played my new game, "Six Degrees of Coronavirus". The rules will be in this week's column.

According to Hofmann: The hunt for fed October

According to Hofmann: The hunt for fed October

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Updated Feb 2, 2021
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In my constant observation of childhood rituals through the eyes of a jaded adult, I have to say that people have really missed the point of trick-or-treat. And in this week's column, we'll explore the phenomenon.

According to Hofmann: Rock the vote or die naked!

According to Hofmann: Rock the vote or die naked!

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Oct 18, 2020
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I know when an important election is coming up when I see PSA commercials that I need to rock the vote, that I need to vote or die and now I can't vote naked...I think. Maybe I have to pay more attention.

According to Hofmann: Cooking for Bachelors

According to Hofmann: Cooking for Bachelors

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Oct 11, 2020
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While I was doing the “Locally Yours” radio show a few weeks back on WMBS, my co-host, Bill Madden, suggested there should be a cookbook for bachelors...okay.

According to Hofmann: ATHWOE

According to Hofmann: ATHWOE

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Oct 4, 2020
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Welcome to the first, and most likely last installment of According to Hofmann’s World of English (AHTWOE). This week’s subject is Acronyms.

According to Hofmann: COVID culture for the next generation

According to Hofmann: COVID culture for the next generation

  • Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Sep 27, 2020
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I remember as a child being in my grandfather's basement, perplexed when seeing all the mason jars full of canned food, but found out he did so because of the Great Depression. Now, as we get through our depression of a pandemic, I can't wait to see what cultural practices carry over to my future grandchildren.

According to Hofmann: the school daze of 2020

According to Hofmann: the school daze of 2020

  • By Mark Hofmann mhofmann@heraldstandard.com
  • Sep 20, 2020
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As if I’m not jealous enough of children now-a-days, even in the dumpster-fire year of 2020 has caused me to have great envy at my 10-year-old stepdaughter, Emma, when she went “back to school”.

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