Seeing that Halloween is a two weeks away, please enjoy this second of three Halloween-inspired columns to get everyone in the spirit of the season. This week's column deals with a very true and very scary story to tell your children...but only if you're over the age of 40.

Seeing that Halloween is a few weeks away and not only did I stock up on candy and boiling tar for trick-or-treaters, I also stocked up on three Halloween-inspired columns to get everyone in the spirit of the season. This first column is what Halloween is all about: scaring people and the joy it brings. Enjoy!

If you're an adult and have the chance to play with children, take my advice and, well, just pass on it unless you have a few hours to spare and you love repetition or if you have a few hours to spare and you love repetition or if you have a few hours to spare and you love repetition.

If you've ever been confused on what to bring or what not to bring on a commercial flight, I checked out TSA guidelines for this week's column so you'll be confused on why you can and can't bring those items on a plane. You're welcome. 

This week's column deals with the late Bob Ross, the legendary painter who legacy can be traced beyond the happy little clouds.

When it comes to the art of small talk, you can either be a Da Vinci or a Picasso. In this week's column, I'm going to show you that you can really be either without spilling paint all over the place. 

In the ongoing saga with my family and our now 16-week-old puppy, Oreo, our gripes with him come down to biting, chewing, peeing and pooping…constantly. Another constant is the advice from, well, everybody on how to handle him. 

In this column, we explore how much rudeness it takes to make a society more successful, yet civil. Warning: Don't try this in society.

A recent announcement of a $5,000 burger has inspired me to create my own most-expensive-burger, but it's not a $10,000 burger or a $500,000 burger--not even a $1 million burger and especially not a $12 million burger. This one will be a whopping $13 million, and in this week's column, I'll show you how it's done.

A new "Home Alone" movie has just been announced. In this week's column, I'll explore why that is a horrible idea and will never work and then I pitch my idea for a "Home Alone" sequel, which will catapult me to Hollywood without a net to land in. 

This week's column is about buying in bulk at those big warehouse stores where the savings are as bulky as the products and how they alter your lifestyle. This is easily the bulkiest story I've every written.

I remember someone telling me about falling in love with their wife when he saw her for the first time — legit love at first sight. The best way he could describe the feeling was just by saying, “When I saw her, I just knew.”

The decision to get a pet is something that takes a while to grow and flourish, especially after having to say goodbye to one. You don’t feel you’re ready to welcome in a new furry family member until a certain amount of time has passed and the emptiness you have that only a dog, cat or tamed skunk can fill expresses itself in certain ways like me having my nine-year-old stepdaughter, Emma, play fetch in the yard.

I'm back from my week-long summer vacation where I was hoping a lot of weird stuff would happen so I can write about it, but just like one weird thing happened, so I'll write about that and just make up the rest. 

Car shopping is a pure nightmare. In this week's column, I'd like to give advice on how to make it a joyful and prosperous experience, but no because this is a horror story.

An island in Norway is petitioning to due away with keeping time. In this week's column, I'll explore the geo-economical impact such an act would make...nah, I'm just going to make fun of it as much as I can.

The emotions parents go through when their children are involved in sports and other activities is a complex and shameful one where they want their kids to have fun and grow, but they don't want their weekend ruined, too.

A familiar sci-fi logo appears on the surface of Mars, but no need to worry. It's just some alien scum trying to mock our culture. Thankfully, Mark Hofmann, Planetary Protection Vigilante is on the case.

This week's column deals with my experiences throwing two surprise parties with different results--some good, some bad, all odd.

Modern children are a window into an adult's past to show how we were robbed of our childhood. For me, that was confirmed when hearing about what school kids are dissecting in science class.

This week's column deals with the horror of a vegan burger unleashed in Australia that has received rave reviews from many Australians...but don't be fooled.

If you haven’t become sick of all things “Game of Thrones” by this point, then maybe this week's column and spoiler-free spoiler review will put you over the edge.

With Election Day coming and going on Tuesday, an issue that has plagued humanity since the Roman Empire was what to do with the campaign ads that seem to be everywhere, especially after the election. Well, I have an idea or two...not that they're good ideas, but they're ideas. 

In the endless list of fast-food gimmicks that have come and gone, Burger King has introduced Real Meals where the customer picks the box in which they're going to receive their food based on how they feel. I don't know about them, but I feel like I'm going to make fun of that.

Some moments in life cause a bond between parents and children that you want to cherish forever — stuff like teaching them to ride a bike, picking them up after they continuously fall off the same bike, showing neutralizing self-defense tactics in case of urban riots and, of course, Take Your Child to Work Day.

How does one commit the perfect crime? A popular Internet challenge and a recent story out of Florida involving a nude man robbing a concession stand has revealed the answer to that age-old question.

Although this week’s column is about onion rings, it’s really a critique on trust issues in society and, no, I haven't been drinking the leftover deep-fryer grease again.

This week’s column should be filed under W for “what?” “why?” and “what again?” because I read an article concerning a beer company releasing a brand of beer with a chemical composition that can develop Super 8 film.

I hate to get sappy, but I must say one of the great joys in the life of a parent is getting to see their kid hopped up on laughing gas for a dental procedure...and then video taping it.

Thank you, Lifetime movies, for making me think my kid's best friend was out to kill me, which even sounds like a title of a Lifetime movie, but I’ll settle for it being a title for this column.